PASSION OF THE
CHRIS (published 3 April 2004)
Chris Evans has announced he is to remake the greatest story ever told in order to reflect his important contribution to the human race.
The film is expected to reveal for the first time the immense contribution alcohol played in the creator's life. Included is a controversial interpretation of how the world was created during a drunken evening and God's subsequent hangover:
Liberal Democrat leader, Charles Kennedy, has decried the project as preposterous nonsense, or, as he told our reporter:
"Ish preposhterush nonshunsh....Ya bass."
UP (published 3 April 2004)
The Royal family got all stroppy again this week over the press releasing intimate photographs of one of their horsey brood.
The Reckless says, Sod 'em.
PALAVER (published 10 April 2004)
"Heineken, Heineken, does whatever a Heineken." So sings spiderman in the latest version of the superhero's celluloid exploits. People who complain about this sort of thing complained about it this week.
Peter Parker was too pickled to comment.
(published 10 April 2004)
A new strain of killer thistles is causing concern amongst nature type commentators.
A nature type commentator said yesterday, 'I am concerned.'
MYSTERY (published 17 April 2004)
Mystery surrounds an enigma wrapped in a conundrum this week as a gravestone is uncovered revealing ...um...nothing much.
(published 17 April 2004)
Lions at Edinburgh Zoo have been domesticated to the point of farcicality, it has been reported. Our picture shows Mrs Lion giving Mr Lion a right rollicking after staying out all night.
(published 24 April 2004)
A new invention is set to revolutionise the walking patterns of lazy people everywhere. The device, called, Helpmegetoffmylazyfatarseandmove v.2.4 is designed to be held in both hands whilst a pressed button helps lift your feet off the ground.
There are reports that many people have already been moved by the invention.
'NO CLUE' CLUCKS
RON (published 24 April 2004)
Ignorant eejit, Ron Atkinson, has admitted he has no clue what's going on in his tiny brain and denied again this week that he is a racist. Indeed, he now claims to have been a founding member of the Black Panthers, as our exclusive photie shows.
There are also rumours abounding this week that he is to team up with his namesake, Rowan, for a new cartoon series on BBC Two Billion.