RAP PHENOMENON (published 1 February 2003)
The rise and rise of sinister youth movement,folk rap, continues to scare the bejesus out of our top flight political luminaries and cultural commentators.
The recent spate of fiddle and banjo related drive-by hootenannies is said by many to constitute an irreversible breakdown in the social and moral codes which bind the race called human together. Others say it doesn't.
A spokesperson for the folk rap movement, Snoop Doggy Wooly Hat, said yesterday,
'My love is calling fol-de-rol over the rolling meadows-oh. Stick a cap up your ass muthafucka.'
FOX ACHE (published
1 February 2003)
Another well- kept movie secret was exploded this week with the revelation that Basil Brush was originally cast for American Werewolf in London but later rejected on the grounds that his innuendo ridden repertoire was considered too risqué for the part.
BIKE BOYS BLOOTERED
(published 8 February 2003)
Steven Spielberg, well-known magic lantern impressario, this week admitted that many drug crazed dwarf stuntmen were lost during the filming of his seminal work, E.T.
(published 8 February 2003)
P.G. Tips Over in his Grave
The estate of P.G. Wodehouse is up in arms after the latest attempt to woo the American gangsta rap market with a salacious re-marketing of the Jeeves and Wooster stories.
ON (published 15 February 2003)
As the strike in Nursery Rhyme Land continues unabated, Humpty Dumpty has been spotted balancing precariously atop a wall whilst waiting for his nail varnish to dry.
It is believed the Grand old Duke of York's men are also refusing to descend from the hill where they have been staging a round the clock go slow.
Other reports coming in show that Jack and Jill have downed pails, while in a separate incident Little Bo Peep is alleging the Countryside Alliance have kidnapped her sheep in an effort to bring attention to their pitiless descent into ugly duckling baiting following the fox hunting ban.
There has been nationwide Union support for the industrial action as Little Jack Horner enters his third week on hunger strike while kitchen utensils, including dishes and spoons, have determined to postpone their elopement until a reasonable settlement has been reached.
Union spokesman, Old King Cole said yesterday:
"I refuse to be merry until my quota of fiddlers is increased by 30% and mice across the land are allowed to run up clocks in overtime."
SIMON & GARFUNKEL
SAVE WORLD (published 15 February 2003)
Simon and Garfunkel have reformed to save the planet from imminent destruction by adopting troubled hotspots from around the world.
Other re-issues to help the cause include A Flock of Seagulls (I Ran) and The Clash (Korea Opportunities).
Folk rap superstar, Snoop Doggy Woolly Hat is also to bring out a Dr Hook cover entitled 'Syria's Muthafucka'
STAR SAVE WORLD (published 22 February 2003)
Legendary rock band, Pistol Star, have pledged to put Falkirk back on the map after it was reported missing during the week.
The central Scotland town, famed for its UFO sightings and triangle players, is thought to have been abducted last Thursday when nobody was looking.
Pistol Star guitarist, Mystery Bob, said yesterday:
'We intend to restore our town to its former glory through the medium of guitars and drums playing both loud and soft bits. Indeed, we believe Pistol Star can save the future of rock in general. We also have some weapons of mass destruction if anybody wants any.'
Anyone wishing to see the phenomenon that is Pistol Star can catch them at The Bongo Club in Edinburgh on 24th February.
TANKY RACES (published
22 February 2003)
Members of the armed forces stationed at Heathrow have been accused of not taking their duties altogether seriously after some tanks were spotted racing Concorde earlier this week.