REVIEW (published 7 February2004)
More purple haste,
Luckily, once I explained my culinary credentials, I was whisked inside and told to keep my rizzlas in my pocket, whatever that meant. The entire contents of my pocket consisted of a charmingly petite silver plated Georgian toothpick and a tastefully embroidered monogrammed silk handkerchief.
The ambience, once inside was decidedly rustic. The quaint scrawls on the blackboard menu, obviously the work of an idiot savant were stunningly thrown into stark brightness due to the contrasting blacked out windows.
The clientele appeared to consist largely of people in fancy dress accommodating themselves to what I presumed was the themed evening of law and order. My other eating companions were members of a local amateur dramatic society called the SSP. Quite a heady mix, I'm sure you'll agree.
As for the food itself, it seemed to consist mainly of cakes and tea. Whilst I am partial to such basic fare, I did feel it was a disappointingly meagre choice. I plumped for the rather exotic sounding Moroccan Macaroons and was swiftly ejected by the aforementioned fancy dress participants in what I can only imagine was part of the establishment's delightfully earthy leaving policy.
I later learned that the cafe's owner and ex-gardener plans to open a chain of topically themed restaurants beginning with a Pizza Hutton:
CAUGHT (published 7 February2004)
The infamous Carluke Guide website has been all over the news this week due to its unique take on life in the South Lanarkshire town, including its international airport and supermodel infested nightspots.
We caught up with its author, Stuart Mcilwain, in a secret location in Edinburgh not a million miles away from The Hogshead on Rose Street.
would you say is Carluke's biggest attraction?
much has interest in the site increased?
other projects do you have on the go?
advice for our readers?
Such is Stuart's magnetic drawing power that, by this point in the interview, a crowd of onlookers had gathered so questions were thrown open to the audience. Patrick Jones, a small chap with Liza Minelli hair, asked,
are you such a cunt?
Rotten beat you to that.
ROW (published 21 February2004)
Students across the nation are up in arms, wrists and ankles over the current infestation of fleas hopping about campuses.
Spokesperson for the students union, Stephen Howkin', said yesterday,
'Down a bit, left a bit, that's it right there. Now give it a good scratch.'
FARE'S FAIR (published
Edinburgh bus passenger, Norris McChancer, bit off just the right amount he could chew this week when asked for the exact fare.
Norris nibbled a portion of a one pound coin he reckoned equalled twenty pee in order to pay his 80 pence fare.
'I'm sick of donating 20p to the bus companies every time I don't have the right change,' spat Norris whilst tearing a fiver into equal strips amounting to a pound's worth each.
A spokesperson for Lothian Buses, Hamish Grimegrinder, announced yesterday that Mr McChancer's protest would have no effect on the company's strict exact fare policy. So no change there then, as a less erudite hack might say and, indeed, just has.
(published 28 February2004)
The wonderful thing about Tolkein
WISDOM (published 28 February2004)
Norman Wisdom has jumped out of retirement to indulge his new found passion for window cleaning.
He was spotted this week taking over the patch previously wiped by a dirt great big pussy cat with natural built-in chamois capability: