PUT ON HOLD (AGAIN) (published
Due to the last minute cancellation of Edinburgh's Hogmanay, thousands of punters are still waiting in eager anticipation for the official start of 2004.
It is believed that, like the Japanese soldiers who hid in the wild refusing to believe the war was over, scores of punters are concealed in the bushes in Princes Street Gardens awaiting the arrival of the first firework which heralds the start of the new year.
A cooncil spokesperson, Hughie Blue-Touchpaper, said yesterday: 'They'll hae tae wait till the Festival ends in August unless some kind soul is prepared to fling a banger their way in the meantime."
SIR WALTZER SCOTT
(published 10 January2004)
Thieves who made off with the statue of Sir Walter Scott in the Scotts monument in Edinburgh last week were later apprehended at a nearby funfair.
The daring criminals pleaded, "We only wanted to show him a good time. He looks so bored just sitting there in Princes Street. If only we could get a hold of Charles Dodgems."
IN (published 17 January2004)
(published 17 January2004)
A new musical based on the life of Les Dawson kicks off this week, featuring some outstandingly bad piano tunes.
LION SEEK (published
Latest observations by posh BBC nature reporters have revealed that big cats like nothing more than a good old fashioned game of hide and seek.
They have also been captured catching up on their reading:
LAGERED (published 24 January2004)
The lollipop lady charged with being drunk on duty last week has denied being completely plastered.
"I jusht thought the kidsh would enshoy a day out at the airport," she explained yesterday in the Pig and Whistle between pints of vodka.
RARITY RECOVERED (published 31
A rare recording of Hitler's swinging Forties sensations, The Nazis, has been unearthed in an unearthing exercise under the earth somewhere.
A spokes person for Pye Records, Swindly Backhander, sais yesterday:
"The Nazis made several secret recordings in Hitler's bunker studios during quiet patches in the war, including Goosesteps to Heaven, Reich Fever, Eva Destruction and Heil! I Need Somebody."
Many of these songs are to be found on a recently re-released compilation album:
(published 31 January2004)
(Notice the skewered rat in Jenny's gorgeously decorated mohican themed hat)
Following her endearing bonding with John Lydon, Jenny Bond has taken to practicing her next royal report which will be interspersed with bouts of spitting and raucous shouts of, "There is no future in England's dreaming!"
Meanwhile, following his arrest this week after a spot of domestic violence, James Brown is understood to be gagging to appear in a related reality celeb fest: