PLOT OVERTHROW (published
March 6 2000) |
Secret plans reveal invasion planned in year 2000
The Reckless has uncovered a sinister plot by right wing English extremists to invade Scotland by next Wednesday.
The mission, codenamed, 'Operation Wotcher Jock!', is understood to have originated in the fevered imagination of a paranoid hack feeding on the inferiority complex pedalled incessantly by this very paper.
In order to combat this, uh, very scary thing which youse should all be very very annoyed about by the way, we have decided to launch a campaign to make ourselves look terribly worthy and concerned.
The campaign against all that English stuff that really annoys us, like them not being Scottish and unable to pronounce 'Loch', will be called 'Real Scots Read This Shite - Honest.'
We'll be giving away free car stickers, loads of irritating money off vouchers for stuff no-one wants, free money and no doubt the paper itself if our sales slip even lower than our dignity.
So order your copy now to receive an incredibly naff poster of an Australian in make- up for you to display with real brass-neckedness on your living room windaes.
March 6 2000)
Posh Spice, Victorious Belter, today flashed her ankles at an intrepid Reckless photographer as he lay squirming under her firm foothold.
As her sharpened stilletoe slowly sank deeper into the plucky snapper's jugular vein, she was heard to remark,'Get aht of moi face you orrible Jock.'
Recovering later in hospital, Jock Jockson (for it was he) commented, ' She was very understanding when I asked if she would mind possibly alleviating the pressure on my trachea.'
It is understood the cameraman is suffering from delusions of articulation.
Cloned farmyard mutation, Dolly the sheep (another glory of Scottish ingenuity), took up arms in a sea of troubles today.
Clutching a Kalishnikov close to her mutton chops, she proceeded to open fire on her captives, severely killing all those brainy geezers in white coats.
A spokesperson for the Animal Liberation Front said,
'Innit bloody marvellous. What are we supposed to do now if the animals are taking the fight on themselves?
'Let's hope that GM foods don't suddenly develop a penchant for revolutionary action or we'll all be out of a job.'
The government refused to comment because it was busy washing its hair at the time, although it is supposedly relieved there was no mention of a military coo.
IS GREAT - OFFICIAL (published
March 6 2000)
An opinion poll released today reveals that most people in the world believe the Scots to be bloody brilliant at everything.
Sponsored by the Daily Reckless and Shorn Canary, the figures show that out of a total of twelve punters having clipboards thrust at them, eight of them agreed with the question, 'Are Scots great or what?'
Two were confused and the other two are believed to have given the clipboard thruster a good kicking.
OUR CHILDREN (published
March 13 2000)
Mobile phones are frying our little cherubs brains it was confirmed yesterday.Top scientist, Forehead Rippling, said:
'It's true. Everytime one of our youngsters places these evil machines near their delicate shell-likes they are physically zapping their brain cells with 50 squillion volts of lazer beams.'
Children are most at risk due to their still developing brains and because they use the phones constantly to send inane and usually obscene messages to their playground chums or to arrange drug deals.
Worried parents have already contacted The Daily Reckless to whinge interminably about the awfy damage these new fangled gadgets are inflicting on our poor innocent wee souls.
Other parents point out that since these moaning minnies' weans were thick in the first place how the hell can they tell the difference?
The Daily Reckless says, bring back chalk and slates and while you're at it, bring back the birch...for everyone!
March 20 2000)
Fears were rising yesterday that supplies of chewing gum may be running low. This is really bad news for all hardened chuggers whose powers of concentration would be badly non-existent should gum go.
The shock announcement was made by professional attention grabber and scaremongerer, Diabolical Liberty on a gum speckled pavement at the back of Woolies. He said:
'Listen to me. The chuggie's runnin' oot an' wur doomed!'
The Reckless has unearthed startling statistics which show that bings of really common people chew all the time and claim it makes them look cool like football managers or something. While the cool factor has never been scientifically proven, definite links have been established between the appearance of self-assured calm and mouth decay.
After hearing the announcement, hordes of hoarders began hoarding crates of Wrigleys in their back passages. Dead rich chewing gum tree manufacturers reassured people it was all poo and to stop getting all worked up for godsake.
Police are treating the case as malicious.
In a bid to save the world from falling into the hands of the multinational global capitalist really rich folks, a consortium of old punk rockers has announced its intention to forcefully introduce a return to basics programme for social control.
Led by the flame-haired spikester Gaye Abandon, the group, calling itself the Abolish Smiley Disorder Association, is said to be livid at the insipid state we've got ourselves into.
'It's time for a return to anarchy values,' said Gaye. 'There's too much gardening, interior decorating and respect for Alan Tichmarsh going on. We're urging the Great British Public to cast off their DIY shackles and just pogo. You have nothing to lose but your stencils and trowels!'
Gaye, who along with Rip Sideways, initiated the ill-fated 'Back to Essex' campaign in the early nineties, is understood to be miffed at allegations that she and Rip are behind the recent spate of attacks on garden centres and DIY emporiums.
In the latest such incident a poster of Handy Andy (irritating cheeky chappie from 'Changing Rooms' - a programme) was daubed in red and black paint with the slogan 'MDF that, ya bass!'
There are also unconfirmed reports of an anonymous threat to Carol Smiley's dentist imploring him to fit a set of braces to the cheery presenter.
Gaye denies any association with similar incidents of decking and laminated flooring vandalism but police are treating the cases as Sid Vicious.
WINS AWARD (published
March 27 2000)
The Reckless today won an award for its 'outstanding contribution in the field of misinformation and consistently misrepresenting the news in a patronising populist fashion.'
The award, by the Patriots Against Pointless Pontificating Society, was handed over to editor Fat Boab MacSwell at a glitzy do in the Pollockshaws Residents committee shed near a field somewhere.
Clutching the bright green plastic and formica trophy close to his ample bosom, Boab commented:
'This a glowing recognition of the fearless work carried out by The Daily Reckless over the weeks. We shall continue to provide the people of Scotland, and indeed the entire universe, with a continuous stream of bilge designed to make us feel big and clever.'
He then went on to regale the enraptured audience of six (Jean couldnae make it, she was de-fleaing the cat) with hilarious anecdotes about really funny stuff that had happened to him and that.