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March 2005 Archive

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CHARLES TO BE QUEEN (published 24 March 2005)

Celebrity state sponger and best friend of Noddy, Prince Chuck, has decided to end press speculation about the future of the monarchy by announcing his intention to be Queen. "If Camilla can't do it, then I'm only too happy to wear a tiara and put on a frock," he bleated yesterday.



CYBERNAN (published 24 March 2005)

Ex Doctor Who baddie, Patricia Peabody, forced to eke out a living as a nanny since the show's demise, is said to be livid that she has not been offered a part in the new series.

(This news item was brought to you without the usual accompanying clichéd mention of hiding behind the sofa...d'oh!)



FOXES GET COCKY (published 17 March 2005)

Following the ban on fox hunting, the cunning devils have flourished and adapted to ever expanding surroundings. A spokesperson for the Countryside Nazi Alliance said yesterday, "They think they can walk on water, the vermin."



SCOTTISH RADGE ROW (published 17 March 2005)

Jeremy Paxman has come under renewed attack following Scottish MPs misinterpretation of his comment, "down here we live under a sort of Scottish Raj."



GIRAFFE MARRIES COUPLE (published 10 March 2005)

Thanks to the church's more inclusive policy due to vicar type shortages, the right reverend Gerard Giraffe was yesterday allowed to perform his first wedding ceremony after being ordained as vicar in residence at Edinburgh Zoo. He later got sloshed at the happy couple's reception at the Chimps tea party.


(published 10 March 2005)

Moan about the meeja to your heart's content at this new grumblefest site: MediaWatch UK
(warning: may contain satire)


ANTISOCIAL SHEEP (published 3 March 2005)

Tanks are taking over the traditional role of the sheepdog in the highlands due to the increase in anti-social behaviour amongst the sheep population. A farmer said yesterday, "If we cannae chase foxes, we'll just blow up these buggers instead."


ENERGY SOLUTION (published 3 March 2005)

The government's decision to install a windfarm on the roof of the Scottish Parliament has been hailed as a work of genius. A Green spokesperson, Megan Vegan, said yesterday, 'The hot air harnessed should be enough to power the whole east coast of Scotland for ten thousand years.'


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