WILLS WILL SWILL
(published 6 October 2001)
In an unfeasible attempt to appear hip and indeed trendy, Prince Vilhelm of this parish has decided to take up digs in Sighthill.
The Royal one has decided to snub the fashionable environs of St Andrews during his time at the university known as a corner of Scotland that is forever England. Instead, he shall muck in with the jolly inhabitants of one of Glasgow's more 'happening' regions.
Residents of Sighthill, renowned for its friendly welcome to all foreigners, are believed to be delighted at the imminent arrival. One shaven-headed and tattooed member of the local community centre table tennis team, Agnes Monster, commented demurely, 'Come on, then.'
6 October 2001)
'And the rabbit shall slide from obscenity.' Thus spake Nostradamus squillions of eons ago which many have now interpreted as the spooky foretelling of Hibernian Football Club's fate in European competition.
Promoting his upcoming compilation of Nostradamus's Greatest Hits, Let's Believe Anything, Gullible Hypebender, a dead clever type academic explains:
'Well it's all perfectly straightforward. The rabbit is obviously a reference to the Easter Bunny and Hibs do play at Easter Road. The 'slide' is a play on the words Greece and grease. Hibs were beaten by AEK Athens and so can be said to have slipped in Greece.
'And the obscenity refers to the oft misheard Eufa Cup. Simple really.'
Other alarming revelations from Mr Hypebender's tome include this obvious reference to allegations of coughing the right answers in the Who Wants to be a Millionaire audience:
'The throats of cheats shall sour the bread.'
WHO WANTS TO
BE A CHEATING BASTARD? (published
13 October 2001)
You'll need Flash for this, folks...and turn up the volume...
CHIC FOR M&S (published 13 October 2001)
Troubled high street retailers, Marx and Spengels, yesterday revealed its new line in combat gear which it hopes will save them from imminent meltdown.
The store has hired dead classy designer, Finlay Flashpants, to help rejuvenate their image.
'We're gonna sex it up,' squealed Finlay, a little over-excitedly. 'Our gear will reflect the resurgent desire for camouflage and netting, whilst tastefully offsetting the greens and greys with a stunning combination of twin set teflon diamante chiffon taffeta pantie girdles and socks.
'And of course, this season's must have accessory, the gas mask, shall be worn draped ever so jauntily over a fake fox stole whilst the wearer adopts an air of officer aloofness.'
When questioned about the aptness of these swanky new duds given the present climate, Finlay replied, 'Oh that's cute. What language is that you are speaking?'
THE PISS (published 27 October 2001)
Our picture above (taken by our man in the field) reveals the latest craze of leap-sheeping spreading throughout the country.
A spokesperson for foxes everywhere, Reynard Anlong, said, 'Boom, boom!'