JOLLY ROGER (published
5 October 2002)
Following the phenomenal success of last week's International Speak Like a Pirate Day, Roger Moore has agreed to donate his next set of eyebrow clippings to the distressed mariners charity, Scurvy Naves Anonymous:
(published 5 October 2002)
"Come to my party. There will be jelly, ice cream,sherry trifle and lashings and lashings of champagne."
Such was the invitation received by our serious stuff correspondent. Upon attending, our reporter looked on bemused while the polis dragged Jeffrey away as he scweamed and scweamed - with hilarious results.
LETTERMAN (published 12 October 2002)
Airhead to the throne and all round carbuncle debunker, Prince Chuckie of Winzer, has been sharpening his crayons this week. The Reckless has gained exclusive access to the poor old duffer's musings and, er, here they are:
(published 12 October 2002)
Dramatist Harold Pinter yesterday unveiled his plan to make the world wide web more dramatic.
"It's too quick," declared the forthright playwright yesterday. "What it needs is more dramatic pauses, don't you think?"
Our reporter replied:
- YEAH! (published 19 October 2002)
Phil Collins has declared shadow puppetry the new rock 'n' roll. Speaking from his mansion in deeepest Berkshire, Mr Collins said:
"I'm doing it for the kids. Not everyone can afford guitars and drums, but everybody's got hands. Well, except for the handless, but they can still hum along, yeah?"
END OF WORLD
UNVEILED (published 19 October 2002)
Sir Patrick Moore yesterday unveiled the end of the world, revealing that there will be no bang nor whimper but merely a polite good evening come the cataclysmic event.
A relieved world thanked Sir Patrick for this comforting revelation. However, lovers of violence and dramatic explosions were understood to be somewhat disappointed.
SEAN SENILE SHENANIGANS
(published 26 October 2002)
Legendary tax exile, wife beater and bletherer of shite, Sean Shufferinshuckatash, yeshterday losht the plot and threatened to blow hish brainsh out with hish finger unlessh shomeone lishtened to what he wash shaying about the shtate of the Shcottish Film Indushtry.
People on the whole ignored him or pointed at the silly old duffer whilst laughing wholeheartedly.
A spokesperson for the criminally insane, Blink Badly,commented:
"Yes, he's mental as anything. Just ignore him and he'll hopefully go away."
OUT (published 26 October 2002)
The hardy Meerkats United made a dramatic exit from the Chimpians League last night after failing to do no more than form walls for free kicks.
A football pundit, Alan Banzai, commented: "Their defence was smashing but unfortunately they were too alert and no good in the air. Or on the ground. Also, aren't my eyes a disturblingly piercing blue?"