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September 2005 Archive

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KATE - SAUSAGE ROLL MODEL (published 23 September 2005)

Now that she's been booted out the glamour circuit, due to excessive sherbert intake, Katy Moss has let herself go a bit in order to flesh out her new career as a sausage roll model.





ISN'T ITV PANTS? (published 23 September 2005)

This week has seen a veritable plethora of programmes celebrating 50 years of ITV. Looking at today's schedules, let's face it - it's just rubbish isn't it? I mean,look at the bleeding news - all shiny and empty tabloid Daily Maily reactionary gobshite. I ask you....




JACK HAS CACK (published 16 September 2005)

The premier meenister of Scotchland, Jack McCrackle, has been caught passing messages to fellow MSPs in the parly hoose.




ELEPHANT PARADE (published 15 September 2005)

After their thrilling World Cup triumph, the victorious Scottish Elephant Polo team have paraded down Princes Street to a tumultuous ticker tape welcome.




MORE SPEED FIRST BUS (published 8 September 2005)

Following the heroic exploits of Sean Penn and Oprah Winfrey in the Hurricane Katrina tragedy, Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock have decided to help out in the First Buses dispute by driving the vehicles at a steady pace through the city streets. A spokesperson for First Buses said yesterday: 'We tried to get Blakey and Reg Varney, but they were unable to extricate themselves from their Hollywood commitments and the Make Coldplay History campaign.'



MAFIA MUSCLE IN (published 8 September 2005)

Chris Anthenum, the florist accused of murdering local people in order to cash in on the lucrative 'flowers in the street' craze, has denied connections with the Mafia who are also rumoured to be interested in muscling in on the racket.



WOOF OFF (published 8 September 2005)

Mad dogs across the country have expressed disgust at their continued association with Englishmen and going out in the midday sun. It is understood the Northern Ireland Spaniel Eccentric Division is particularly miffed.



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