Back Home


The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week: Fetish


I’m not Fattish, maybe a bit overnourished, but I’m not reversing into our bog with sidemirrors yet. Tula Hoops

Dr F: I wouldn’t say you were fattish at all. You may have to eat a few more pork pies yet. The forklift arrives in a few minutes. Which Pie and Mash shop shall we carry you to?

I like to go ‘twitching’. I find myself a ‘hide’ and look out for some exotic bird and the twitching starts during throes of orgasm. Hank Achief

Dr F: Hold hard! These involuntary movements happen. Hence the kick in the balls I gave you for molesting my Aunt Dolly. Twitching is one thing but she was expecting to see a flock of seagulls or some other band from the 80s.

My Mum has a fetish she keeps shagging all my boyfriends. The other day she caught me with my boyfriend on the sofa and she turned Corrie off to watch us. Before I know it, she taking my Clive’s clothes off and using the toilet brush for other purposes than cleaning around the rim. As her son I find it most embarrassing. Tristan Shout

Dr F: I need to see you altogether in the altogether. I will make a housecall for the Omnibus edition.

I’m a contortionist and I enjoy oral sex. I’m ready to try it on somebody else now. Granny Knott

Dr F: As an expert in the medical profession I can offer you all the help you need by roleplay sessions. You don’t have to ask or pay for this service as its free on the NHS Take your teeth out as I don’t need you talking too much with your mouth full.

Avast me hearties! I have a fetish for young barnacles. They have a ribbed quality and that smattering of glistening scuppered to the starboard and clenched to the keel with a tease of seaweed hanging from ridged nodules. Shipmates! I can’t wait for the next swell! Barnacles and their nautical tenacity fair makes me wet in me Sou’Wester! I never thought that rubbing myself up against them could make my yardarm so much saltier than usual. They are easy to find on boat-owners bottoms and now I am senile all I have is the odd chance to dip me bloater in the dayroom aquarium at the, “No Sudden Movements” Care establishment. But Matron caught me danging my harpoon and now she has had to fill out another risk assessment! Findus the Fisherman

Dr F: That’s so awful! Those pesky Risk assessments can take nearly 15 minutes to fill out. I have a penchant for limpets myself. Half of them live in my feckin’ surgery.

I’m a Nun at "The Holy Hiding Place for Wanton Self Abuse." I love the calling. But it’s hard frigging yourself off in the name of Jesus when I have taken a vow of silence. How can I stop shouting “Christ, I’m coming…?” Sister Blisters

Dr F: Annie Lennox was right. Sisters are doing it for themselves with a little help from a burning bar of carbolic soap. We must trust in the Lord. After all he has been coming for ages, and that’s why in all his pictures he wears a Terry’s diaper. Why else would his Father keep his only begotten hands so far apart.

My fetish is paying Council Tax. I get sexually excited paying an illegal tax invented by a paedophile protector, and charged by corporations, and has feckall to do with the council, but to give money to Nathan Rothschild, and all the other parasites who are alien shapeshifting reptilians and feed on the blood of infants in ritual sacrifice within the bowels of the Vatican. Is this normal? David Icke

Dr F: Absolutely! You are as sane as I. If you believe in Fema camps and the Illuminati and get a kick out of knowing we are controlled by the world media and fake news it can seem just too much for anyone to take in. But this is what your council wants. Next stop? A box of tissues and the late night XXX adult previews, and the world seems a far safer place within a matter of moments. Draw the curtains first and you can ignore that faked moon landings that were just staged to make you have a wank. Anyway if you used to be a goalie grabbing balls is what you are used to.

I want to have sex with David Cameron on the London Eye. Then when we get to the top, show off our wrinkly old bums to The Houses of Parliament! Moira Less

Dr F: I don’t think you will fit the whole House of Lords in one of those capsules.

I am an Xpat living in Spain. As we hate living in Britain until we need free dental care or hip replacement. My wife complains of pins and needles everywhere. So, I punched her and she landed in a cactus. Hassi Endohurr

Dr F: This ‘white flight’ phenomenon started when Brits after the war went to Spain to escape the English weather. Oh, and avoid Johnny Foreigner. The best way to do that is to invade another country. Makes sense, right?

I fell in love with a Zombie. Blowjobs are a bit touch and go. Should I distract her with some raw liver, instead? Ivor Weinerinbetweener

Dr F: Safe sex with flesh-eating lovers can be tense. As your GP I suggest you use a salami to get the best from your intimacy. Shove that up her arse at the point of popping your nut, and her rancid gob will fly open, leaving you free to reach for the wet-wipes and Listerine. If she objects keep a stake and club hammer handy or spray Roundup in her eyes.


see also:

Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials
Definitions
More Definitions
Sleep
Friendship
Money
Timewasters
Hygiene
Hair

General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Halloween
Sheep

Pet Hates
Dementia
Senility or Stupidity?

Conundrums
Conundrums 2

Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy

Personal Experience
Measurement
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Testimonials
Challenges
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law
Question Time
Words
Incest
Communication
Finer Details
Parents and Family
Wonder
Riddles
Community
Patriotism
Defying Description 1
Defying Description 2
Good Practice
Sex and the Law
Pigs
Expressions
Superstition
Stress
Work and Life Balance

Teeth
Dogs
Self Esteem
Luck
American Football
Political Correction
Colloquialisms
Actual Facts 1
Actual Facts 2

Actual Facts 3
Household Hints
Ignorance
Wildlife
Pubs
Christmas 3
New Year Resolutions
Marriage

Stupidity
Fear

Home Truths
Home Truths 2
Idiosyncrasy
Carrots

Logic
Experiments
Tradesmen
Conversation Starters
Impotence

Nightmares
Poverty
Near Death Experiences
The Bible
Eating Disorders
Magic
Phobias
Hangovers
Catch 22
Voting
Culture
Relaxation

Race
NTL Complaint
Complaints
Complaints 2
Simple Tips
Issues
Privates
Leisure
Texting
Lethargy
Belief
Ambition
Epitaphs
Anagrams

Wives
Clichés
Rock & Roll
Panic Attacks
Common Knowledge
Friends

Lame Excuses
Pet Hates 2

Manifesto
Metaphors
T-Shirt Ideas
Job References

Fruit and Veg
Recycling
Fashion
The Supernatural
Testicles
Sexy Secrets

Typos
Bondage
Fellatio
2012
Snow
Courting
Lunacy
Regime
Cats
Suicide
Pathology
Dentistry
Confusion
Allergies
PMS
Climate Change
Home Improvements
Impropriety
Childbirth
Tongue Twisters
Tarot
Viagra
Apparel
Stools
Sweets
NHS Cuts
101 Things
Bumper Stickers
Book Titles
Pests
Embarrassing Bodies
Arse
Chemistry
Fireworks
Helping Hands
Good Old Days
Corporates
Supermarkets
Secret Societies
OCD
Crafts
Snoring
Age Concern
Apps
Prostitution
Smuggling
Weather Warnings
Frugality
Church