This week - Ambition

Anybody can learn to be like me, mate. I’m Jamie Oliver, mate, and I’m a celebrity cook, mate, and on some sort of food pilgrimage, mate, teaching Northerners, mate, how to cook and shit mate. J.O

Dr Farquar says: What, in that order? I’m surprised you have to be around for the latter. I'd like to help you out on your ‘Ministry of Food’ project but I think I you have already ‘missed my window’ and I hope you have washed your hands too.

I want to do all those things the media tell you to do before you die. I presume that ‘before you die’ is probably the best time to see anything, wouldn’t you? Stan Corrected

Dr F: I knew a patient on death row who wanted me to take him to see the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in full bloom. This was done with the clever use of mirrors, so he could inspect them from very undignified and awkward angles. I prescribed an astringent cream and minor corrective surgery. All we can hope for is that 60,000 volts won’t undo all my work.

I have just bought an electric saw. I want to use it on my cheating husband while he sleeps. It’s the last time he plays Cluedo with me! The trouble is that the extension lead won’t reach the bedroom. What to do, eh? Luce Ends

Dr F: Is it a Bosch 220 with 4” cut? In that case you only get 40 cuts to a blade and they cost £10.75 to replace, or about the price of a longer extension lead. A dilemma, for sure. Why not use your lawnmower? This saves you money and just think of the extra compost.

I have always wanted to be an Italian opera singer but since wearing my new ill-fitting dentures, my choppers carry on singing long after I have finished each song. Is it my falsetto? Nash Hurz

Dr F: Dental adhesive is unreliable and just for stuck up people. Velcro in your gob might work. Mind you, at £3.50 a yard, it’s a rip off.

I want to grow up to be a Doctor like you. Getting paid 150k a year to see people naked suits me and I’m only seven and half and my pet rabbit called Herman can watch too. Kenny Feck

Dr F: Now listen here, sonny. There's a bit more to a lifesaving medical profession than just that. You get to shag some of ‘em as well.

I have heard enough about you on your evil ethics. You make utter drivel seem edifying. Listen squire, I know ‘Louigi and the Boys’ - some Sicilian siblings that make the Krays look like Hansel and Gretel. They do things to your head and knees using car doors. Say your prayers Doctor. By the way, I think I have a veruca, will you take a look at it for me? Manuel Gearbox

Dr F: Never fear. I have already spoken to Louigi and I have an arrangement to cure your feet symptoms altogether errr ‘dead in their tracks’ to use the term loosely. Plus eradicate any other ills you may have. It’s a procedure called wearing concrete slippers. Be prepared, I might have to put you under myself.

I’m Hank Marvin and I wanted to be a successful guitarist but instead I ended up playing in Cliff Richards band. I’m now old and wrinkly but still manage that keyboard smile when selling all my possessions on Ebay. H.M

Dr F: Yes, you are a former shadow of your self. At least you still have a plectrum to go and pluck yourself and you won’t have to do that silly formation sidestepping walk that just looks like you all need the toilet.

I want to be a farmer of either potatoes or beetroot but I can’t make up my mind. Potatoes are a bit of a riddle and beetroot leave me in a pickle too. Cache Croppe

Dr F: A beetroot is a potato with high blood pressure. Try tomatoes. Remember: Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit. True wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

I want to spend my whole life becoming a mind reader so I can understand BT phonebills and what I am actually getting charged for. Lily Livered

Dr F: BT are willing to answer your call if you are prepared to die of boredom for the cause. Next time, complain that the previous call centre girl asked the size of your husband’s penis when erect and see if they deal with your complaint effectively. Relay the previous conversation when you finally get through to the complaint department as follows:

Operator: Good Morning, Madam. BT services direct. I’m Daphne. How can I help?

Caller: I would like to be put through to your complaints department.

Operator: Certainly, can I take your postcode and your house number please?

Caller: GTX 2LT. Number Six.

Operator: Is that Mrs Livered of Bogroot Lane Grunty Fen?

Caller: Correct.

Operator: I just have to ask you to help me with some security details. What is the second and third letter of your four letter password ?

Caller: UN.

Operator: Thank you. Where is your favourite birthmark?

Caller: None of your bloody business.

Operator: Oh, go on.

Caller: I’m not telling you. Now please put me through to your complaints department for the last time. Well, it probably won’t be for the last time but anyway…

Operator: Ok then. How big is your old man’s nob?

Caller: Excuse me?

Operator: You know. How big is your old fella's little fella when he gets a ‘panhandle’ so to speak?

Caller: Oh alright, at a guess, its seven inches and three millimeters in August. Now will you put me through?

Operator: Liar. I bet it struggles to be seven inches any month of the year. A girl needs at least eight inches and like blue steel. Sorry, I can’t put you through because all of our lines are busy. Bye Bye Madam..

Caller: Alright, it's only two inches, now will you put me through.

Operator: Oh you poor thing. Of course I will.

This technique may be uncomfortable for ladies and especially if you are on a bumpy bus at the time but it will guarantee you the undivided attention of any complaints department for most utilities companies.

I want be a bank robber but you gave me the sack? Why? Bill Spaid

Dr F: To put the money in, idiot. The plan to rob the GnatWest in Grunty Fen was flawed from the start. Your first mistake was bringing your grandmother. The second was her bringing her knitting. Her mobility scooter was not exactly the ideal getaway vehicle, either. As a rear passenger the only thing she passed was wind.

Next time ask her to hand around homemade sausage rolls before we bind and gag bank staff the manager and security guy.

You really messed up when I asked you to ‘bring the loot’. When we got home all that was in the sack was a medieval stringed instrument.