This week - Anagrams

I love anagrams. By swapping the letters around I can keep myself amused for hours. It’s just a shame masturbation always gets in the way of my fun. Hank Kerchief

Dr Farquar says: How indelicate. Get a room with a hands-free set. Everybody knows that the anagram for masturbation is “It’s Nob Trauma.”

I gave change from a fiver to go with “Dotty Forehead” a local lady of the evening who sleeps down the bottle bank. She has given me something on my privates that Ajax won’t get off. What is the correct anagram for ‘prostitute’? Des Charge

Dr F: I’m glad you asked. It’s “Spite Trout”.

I am an intellectually challenged obese mute. I bet you can’t find an anagram for “Fuck my old boots.” Dick Edd

Dr F: How about “Stocky Dumb Fool”.

Enough of this filth! It’s not PC. This is what is termed ‘diseasist language.’ Try to make a co-related satirical exchange of existing letters with this anally society over-sensitive pseudo-officious phraseology? Chris Peebreefs

Dr F: Well done. If you were ordering a mixed grill I hope the waiter was as “Diligent as sausage”. Making the aforementioned a totally irrelevant anagram and lacking any substance or imagination yet still worthy of a mention.

I am a famous pissed up bipolar astronaut. You said I was no longer an alcoholic because you couldn’t spell it on my sectioning discharge papers. Instead you wrote ‘sobriety deprived’. Do I win a beer? Justin Forrapint

Dr F: It’s lucky your anagram is quite fitting because, when cleverly re-arranged that obscure expression reads “VIP’S red-eyed orbit”. An astronaut alcoholic, you say? Come to my pub. It’s full of atmosphere so you won’t feel vacuum.

The beer has plenty of gravity and will suit you down to the ground and so many happy landings there.The Landlord is on another planet but he would be over the moon to meet you. The menu is like nothing on earth. I found a little rocket in my salad.

It's an Irish pub called the ‘Laughing Leprechaun’ and has a little green man on the sign. The DJ likes his own space. They are launching a new beer tonight, so the sky is the limit. Two local prostitutes do the pub quiz. They are Meaty Whores. A pair of NASA women you would never meet.

You can only enter the raffle once. To avoid any misunderstanding they are incinerated afterwards and burn up if you try re-entry. The bouncers might fly for you and have you seeing stars.The local turn is a magician. Last time he was chased out the pub and became a fleeing sorcerer.

Himmel! I’m unable to sue you for making me impotent and with all the stress my hair has fallen out, making me “Follically challenged”. What would be an appropriate anagram of such a disorder in my case?. Heir Todday

Dr F: I think “Legal Hell on Flaccidly” you poor baldy twat.

I’m 16 years old and unfortunately took a job at a local bank that is empty. I just started work today but was made redundant yesterday. I got awarded 35p severance pay and I’m gutted. My boss suggested, to make me feel better, to ask my GP to make an anagram out of “career change opportunity” Can you help? Dan Nuffin

Dr F: Try this “Young reproacher pittance”

I work in a betting shop. My boss thinks I should wear low cut dresses to get the punters in and then they will be too distracted to place a shrewd bet. I’m his Grandmother and they keep getting trapped in the till. What should I do? Bets Sorroff

Dr F: Not a problem for me. I put an each way bet on a Siamese transsexual horse called “Chase me Chase me” and it came in neck and neck at the last fence at 30 to 1. Why not go the whole hog and wear some red leather thigh boots and I’ll meet you behind the gasworks at the usual time?

I have been a housewife ever since I lived in a small flat. It all started when I found my husband unashamedly blacking the stove in nothing but baby oil. I have cooked and cleaned in all weathers. I have done the laundry by hand every Monday with 2lbs of borax and with the aid of 20 Senior Service. Never once did I moan about my lot. Now, I have had enough of lather on my chin and boobies and carpet burns on my knees. Have you got an anagram for a scrubber like me correctly titled as a ‘domestic incarceration survivor’? Rosie Cheeks

Dr F: This PC nonsense is all pish-posh. A vagina is a vagina by any other name. Like lettuce. Be proud of your subservience and that we men allow you to vote as long as you have done the dishes first. Lets see…where were we? This fits..'Vivacious and necrotic terrorism.'

You disgust me! How dare you besmirch our betters? Especially, my ‘significant other’. Without women like my fastidious and highly efficient homemaking wife who also worked making munitions in factories during the war, Hitler would have turned us all into bigoted fascists. Too late, in your case. I would sue you if I didn’t want to keep my money. Sir, you have a very inappropriate ‘ego-testicle worldview’. Curt Bugger

Dr F: Or, ‘Weevilled Twit Scrooge’ in your case. As for your ‘Significant Other’ she seems like those ‘Inaction fighters’ to me.

I’m ‘heterosexually impotent’ and decided to go for ‘gender realignment’. Will this make me ‘culturally deprived’ because of my ‘speciesistic dualism’? Les Jism

Dr F: Let's crosshatch your prognosis. Being 'Heterosexually Impotent' renders you a ‘Surely Moth-Eaten Exploit’. As for 'Gender Re-alignment' it will turn you into a 'Gentler Enigma Nerd’, and ‘Speciesistic Dualism’ leaving you with ‘I Ideal Spiciest Scum’ on your T-shirt.

‘Culturally Deprived?’ More like ‘Dull Cruel Depravity!’

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