This week: Arse

You took me out for dinner and shoved a prawn cocktail up my arse, why? Shirley Knott

Dr F: That’s just for starters!

I have always been impressed by the fact that in a French restaurant you order the food in Italian and vice versa. Is this to confuse the waiter, or, because you are trying to impress me? Lucy Lastic

Dr F: Neither. It’s because I can’t make up my mind if I’m bilingual or plain hungry.

I’m a Phlebotomist moonlighting as a chef. Do you want me to describe what you have ordered so you can recognise the symptoms later? Roman Aroond

Dr F: I wouldn’t say the food is bad, but Health & Safety abseiled through the kitchen window and found rats throwing themselves onto the traps.

Err, I  from Latvia. How duzz you knows my friends nemm izz on siss wall, pliss? Jestus Well

Dr F: I don’t, that’s the optical letter-board test.

You said I was senile because I point at airplanes. I’ll have you know it’s not every day you see one! OK, it is. But I pointed at them a lot in the blitz you know? Big ones they were. I pointed at them with only searchlights to help me. How clever is that? They used to drop bombs, too. One bomb hit me right in the eye once. Gran Uloma

Dr F: That was a pigeon.

Top of the Mornin’ to yer! I’m a traveller, you prescribed me just a third of a Mars Bar to help me work. Now, I have a job with Crop Circle Makers. I have to walk around and around in an anti-clockwise fashion in the middle of the night inda middle of the feckin’nowhere, and then I go back onto the feckin’ spaceship where they like to stick their fingers up me feckin’ pooh chute, and all kinds, the feckin’ pop-eyed little shits! Bruce Dallover

Dr F: Be still. They use floorboards on a rope for quickness in the form of a treadle and by using lines and measurements, stomp on the board, one-legged and a yoke on the neck, in a sweeping motion to flatten the crop into what look like complex geometric pattern. Hard work when you have skinny arms and legs and no feckin’ clothes on. You see, making crop circles is my chosen field not the pikey alien travellers.

You got me arrested at customs trying to smuggle condoms inside a bag of heroin. Tristan Shout

Dr F: I thought they would find it that far up your arse, and then the umbrella broke.

You told me that I should get divorced and split the house. I got the outside. My teeth hurt to cap it all. I can’t chew solid food and I have an abcess. I have only one tube left to suck my food through. It really is the last straw! Phil McCavity

Dr F: Abscess makes the heart grow fonder. But it could be worse. At least I took out your gold fillings to pay your bill. Ask a friend to spoon food up your arse. It may even taste better.

Me Albanian dwarf assassin. I’m in your hotel. Why don’t you let me fight you like real man. I kill you.  Jestav Annalf

Dr F: I’ve told you about starting fights inside the mini-bar. Put the Martell brandy miniature down, lower the cocktail stick and step away from the pimentos.

You told me to keep medicines out of reach of children. How long do I have to sit on top of this lamppost? Arthur Lager

Dr F: The secret is “NOT to look down.” I’m taking a piss.

You foul man. You promised to teach me how to breastfeed and now I have scratchmarks on my tits. Ma Boobies

Dr F: The surgery cat was hungry.

Welcome to ‘The KipChuan Family Cook-Out restaurant’ again, Mr & Mrs  Smith. Today I have spiced fish fingers with my son’s specially prepared sautéed liver.  I have my Mothers Buffalo wings smeared with rubbed garlic. My wife has got ‘ladies fingers’ in between her buttered baps. I also have a small salted wiener sliced thinly with the Chefs plums that have been soaking in brandy sauce since last Tuesday.
After your main meal our waiter can offer your wife a spotted dick with crushed nuts. Alan Adazewerk

Dr F: Don’t tell me your feckin’ problems just get today’s special and something to drink.

I thought you should never tap dance on an empty stomach? Can I get up off the floor now? Dan Shooz

Dr F: It’s for your own good. They like to do this in Bangkok with higheels on, but my snow-chained thigh-long gumboots with lace garters work just as well.

I’m a gerbil on a treadmill. I thought it was love that made the world go around? Munch the Gerbil

Dr F: Just pretend you are re-living the sixties and love IS making the world go around with your treadmill flower power. Why not name yourself after a flower like ‘rodent in drum’.

I’m a Nurse and you invited me to train on a ‘Modesty’ course where you undid my popaway uniform to make sure I was not being immodest by not wearing any knickers. I thought it was all about being modest, as in, humility? You just wanted a glimpse of me ‘tuppence and thruppenny bits’!  Eliza Lott

Dr F: I just want to usher in change and you have a spare handful already. Give it a rest woman! You won a badge with “I’m Modest” which is nothing to brag about. Next week the training is “Self Assertion” and it's your turn to whip me and spank me and chase me around the room and call me names.

You told me to learn to swim after I crashed my car into a lake. Have you phoned the emergency services yet? Anna Gotcramp

Dr F: Nonsense! You are only a few hundred yards from the bank where I’m standing. Serves you right for trying to give your passenger a blowjob and run a red-light at the same time. Plus, me feckin’chips are still on top of the dashboard.

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