This week - Belief

I’m on benefit and claiming income support. I believe I should get carers allowance for looking after my twat of a retired father. Last night I dropped him off at the pub and he ended up on a ferry to Zeebrugge with a delegation of S.E.X.Y.K.N.I.C.K.E.R.S ( a.k.a.) The “South East X-slut & Yobo’s for Kinky Nubile Interest in Collecting Knickers Exuding Reeking Stinks.” If he can’t be trusted to be content with a pie and a pint and the distinct possibility of playing pool, I think the state should take more responsibility. I already squander my family credit on food and rent and now he uses my Platinum Diners Club card on jollies like this! Stan Maroond

Dr Farquar says: The taxpayer doesn’t mind, I’m sure. After all, we have speed cameras now that can pay for more privileges for people as irritating as your father. Last time he went to Amsterdam he wasted his money on a silly windmill in a glass dome that snows. When I asked why he didn’t try a prostitute instead, he said “Fuck off mate, a call-girl wouldn’t like being turned upside down and shaken vigorously for just 2 Euros, thus keeping me amused for hours.”

I believe in God. I wonder how he knows he is God? Did he, like you, just wake up one morning and think, “Today, I am going to start playing God”? Heather Waywidwordz

Dr F: Who do you think I am? It’s Halloween. When you dress up like the Devil do I complain?

I don’t believe in Doctors. Visiting your office is like eating and pooing homemade pate. I go in looking and feeling like shite and I come out looking and feeling the same. Mel Ncolly

Dr F: Have belief. I didn’t get through medical college to have to talk to people as ill as you. Maybe if you had looked after yourself I wouldn’t have to keep cancelling your appointments.

Try and consider people worse off, besides… terminal patients like you will soon make more room on buses, eventually rendering public transport non-viable or ineffective. Bus stops will become pointless, attracting needle-users and stubbly men who like to play little boys bottie games …. and then where would we be? It’s all ‘self, self, self, me..me..me..’ with you isn’t it? I have a darts match in half an hour so you will just have to wait for more morphine, meanwhile use a bullet to chew on.

I have asked in prayer on your behalf. It went like this. “Dear Almighty. My GP wants to know how you feel about him, not believing in you, at all? What shall I tell him?” My Father then spoke to me from my next door neighbours burning bush and said,

“Tell the son of a viper, Farquar, he smites me, and that I shalt smite him, and I shalt pour out my cup of wrath against him and he shalt know the tyranny of his evil deeds. I shalt soon taketh vengeance upon his unholy acts and banish the Farquar infidel to whenst he came, and verily cut out his black blasphemous heart and feed it to the bowels of Gehenna and Tartarus where he shalt burn in the fires of the second eternal death where there is no forgiveness and where no soul has returned . May Farquar perish without mercy and writhe in eternal torment in the pit of despair and agony”

So, bear with me while I try to translate, in the Greek transcript version it appears God in his infinite wisdom in essence means for you to fuck off. Any messages? Helen Brimstone

Dr F: Am I bothered? God has never done a day's work in his life. OK, his first job only lasted a week. Then he rested. Well, I hardly call that a fair crack at a promising career, do you? Hardly deserving of a gold carriage clock I’d say. He had to get inspired prophets over the next thousand years to write his book calling it ‘God’s Word’. I didn’t see him write much. How many famous authors take a full millennia to publish the first edition? That surely makes ‘writers block’ an Olympic event.

Plus I didn’t hear about our Lord making a yearly annual or having ‘The Best of the Bible” highlights.

Here is my letter to God.

Dear Yawheh Jehovah (or ‘Geordie’ to your friends)

Why tell everybody you invented light when clearly Edison did?

The Big Bang did happen. Just because you didn’t hear it, makes no difference.

It was the AA that first drew lines around our countries.. not you.

Why does the Bible say you rode into Jerusalem with some Triumph? I thought it was a Norton? Incidentally, cars had already been invented because the Bible also says “the disciples were all in one Accord.” A bit of a squeeze because Hondas are tiny cars made by tiny people but, all the same better than your fucking leaky old Bonneville..

Yours in Christ on a Bike

Dr Farquar

God only ever had one good idea worthy of note. Putting string on teabags so I can give presents at Christmas. A handy and practical gift to friends and family supplied with a small tag to write on who sent them.

A few other things we seem to forget are: Moses real name is Charlton Heston.

Also for your information:

A whale cannot swallow humans. Thus Jonah could not have been barfed up on the beach by a whale. Blue whales have throat pleats or gills to filter krill and plankton. Jonah must have got some krill on some string and duped the whale to swim with him onto the beach where it died from lying there like a beached whale. Jonah then dressed himself with sea weed and Swarfega to LOOK like he was sicked up and lay there until he spied a tourist and acted possum. The coastguard is called and, Hey Presto, Jonah makes up this bizarre tale to get himself into God's good book.

It worked!

Remember: These are the same readers who believe in talking snakes and that you can push a temple down with your bare hands. Or blow horns to make walls come tumbling down, part the waves for 3 million people to walk safely through with just a wave of a stick and have babies without sex or IVF treatment. If God is still so popular, why haven’t I seen him on Youtube? Another thing. If all nuns are married to Jesus who is the brother in Law?

My girlfriend likes to ‘go down’. How convenient! Haberdashery is on the same floor as DIY. Good job I’m a lift attendant too which only goes to prove… as one door shuts another opens. Cliff Hanger

Dr F: The sky’s the limit. Your girlfriend likes to keep her feet firmly on the ground and obviously presses all the right buttons for you, taking the relationship to the next level. Beware: Elevators can be troublesome though. Sometimes, they have too many flaws… but that’s another storey. Don’t worry, lift designer engineers usually get their ‘comeuppance’ giving us all a lift. Why not come around with your girlfriend where we can make up more lift jokes and you can inspect my shaft?

No thanks, last time you got it stuck and all you did was relieve yourself over my shoes. C.H.