Your Lonely Hearts Ad hardly befits a married man, let alone a medical professional. “Need a shag - No sharp instruments - bring another bird. And both of you leave your clothes outside the door” is off-putting. Surely some help to fold them might be more appropriate. Agnes Scratch
Dr F: Yes, yes, yes. But it still didn’t stop you bringing your budgerigar, Geoff, did it? You know I’m allergic to the winged variety and you hadn’t trained it to untie me afterwards.
I found an S&M magazine in my little boys bedroom. Should I spank him? Irma Bitwurrid
Dr F: Tell him to take it to school and let the prettiest teacher find it on him and just let her give him six of the best. Tickets are £5.
My wife wrapped a five iron around my neck but I never played a round. I don’t remember what happened after we got on the Fairway. What happened? Ivor Nicewood
Dr F: Apparently she is tee-ed off with you bigtime. She hit a four and her ball ended up up a neighboring cows bottom . Your first mistake was lifting up the tail and saying “Darling this one looks like yours!”
I have a similar story when I accidentally swallowed my glass eye. Two days later you wished to examine my rear end and when I bent down I saw everything you were up to. Samuel Pepys VI
Dr F: Trust me, I’m a Doctor, or it will be one in the eye for you.
I have curious symptoms ever since you replaced my testicles with onions. When I pee my eyes water. When my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn. When I walk past a hotdog stall I get a hard on. Saul Ian Nabbag
Dr F: Stop moaning . My last patient had his replaced with meatballs and pasta. When he masturbated he ejaculated ravioli complete with crimped edges and another fifty six varieties.
I’m your local Town Mayor visiting your surgery with the local Care Standards agency and I saw a whole class of very busty women in your newly opened “Keeping Looking Dead Fit Clinic” doing aerobics and sitting on spacehoppers. I started to get the idea this was more for your own voyeuristic sexual gratification judging by the sticky residue on your laptop. Explain. Mayor Nayes
Dr F: Sorry, your Blingfullness! It’s the wrong sign on the door. It should read. “Clinic for flatulent victims after swallowing bubble gum.” You better leave now. The girl inflating on the right is about to blow.
I have fractured ribs and a hernia since I attended your counseling to cope with fetishes. I’m that sore I will never ride a horse again. Buster Bollock
Dr F: I was just showing you that tack shops are not just for horses.
Torture is nice. Slap me in irons why don’t you? I haven’t had a good larruping in ages. Reefe Knott
Dr F: That’s nothing. I have a better way to know real pain. Why not join me and watch Jeremy Kyle. It's TV to wail and squirm to.
I could swing for people that want to bring back hanging. Les Karmdoon
Dr F: I think that is stretching things too far. Hanging is the ultimate bondage pleasure, but people who have already experienced it have never given us much feedback on just how good it is? Even poptart Paula Yates found more than her dressing gown on the back of the door and died of embarrassment. Personally a quick slap on the back of the legs with a bunch of garden nettles until they bleed is just as good in my view.
Remember the old adage: “Do what I say, and thrash me today!”
I’m a Scout Leader and teach safe risk assessed fire-making and wilderness cooking with eye protection. My boys love to learn about knots. It’s even more fun inside bib whacks where we can compare toggles. Major Look
Dr F: You are a danger to our society. Dressing in a khaki Mountie hat, dangly shorts and a silly neckerchief gives you no right to be anywhere near children. I’d phone Social Services if I thought they would do something. But that would be like giving a full time job as a nursery assistant to Paul Gadd.
What does a sadist do to torture a masochist? Norah Nobboff
Dr F: Nothing.