This week: CATS

I don’t like your diagnosis! You said I caught aids from your cat. I hate gingers anyway. Harry Gant

Dr F: Good effort. Thank you for your urine sample. Give it right away to our courier. Last time, against my wishes, you delivered it by hand to the lab losing most of it between your fingers.

I’m a pussylover. One day I want to buy a cat too. Ned Afukk

Dr F: Look what happened last time you had a stroke!

I’m a suicide bomber and I want to end my career in a cat sanctuary. Praise Allah for he loves cats too. Does that mean I get nine lives in paradise? Singed Majeep

Dr F: Catteries are a great place to detonate and saves owners a fortune in worm tablets.

I am fighting the war in Afghanistan against the Taliban. ‘Lucky’ our regiment mascot kitten was foxhole trained but I came under heavy attack and it was dark and I accidentally fired Lucky in a mortar and he landed behind enemy lines. I hope Al Qaeda remember he prefers tuna to chicken for his breakfast. Lance Korrprill

Dr F: Yes. The Taliban dress in black, so it's harder to shoot them after dusk. Poor Lucky! Who knows, he may have landed on his feet with his new terrorist friends? I imagine if he did suffer injury like most rescued felines in the conflict, he will be taken to the Red Cross, like in peacetime. The Red Cross in the Middle East is a military hospital with a big red cross painted on top of a tent. Or as our American allies call it ..a target.

I have no time for cats. They rub me up the wrong way and try to use my nob as a scratchpost. Omar Gawd

Dr F: Remember: A cat is for life and not just for deviant acts. I thought you preferred chickens? Always take the bag of giblets out first.

Yes!  Like the previous frozen food pervert, I think chickens are best. I can’t walk past Iceland without peeking at them lying there in the cabinet with plump breasts and their legs tied together oozing vascular fluid... wrapped in tight polythene waiting for a good stuffing. Ivor Stiffy

Dr F: Calm down. If their parents knew you were so attracted to them they would have eggs. At £2.50 a dozen it is hard enough to make hens meet.

I think cats are hypocrites. They always look at me like I’m the one that pissed in the wardrobe. Mrs Farquar-Smith

Dr F: Darling, you do that most nights of the week after a darts match. Remember it's me that has to wear your shoes for work in the morning.

I’m jealous of cats. They know how to bury their litter. I’m too fat to pick up mine. Marsha Potato

Dr F: Watch that cough. It could be a fur-ball. Or, in your case, a tumbleweed.

I’m obscenely rich. My cat ate my goldfish. I wouldn't mind, but it was made of real gold. I told my girlfriend and now she has turned into a right gold digger. Job Dunn

Dr F: Goldfish bring it on themselves pulling faces like they do. Plus they poop where they float and  leave their little plastic ship wrecks covered in their own shite. How would you like to come home from a gay bar to find marmite on your mast?

Feral cats are common where I live. I saw one arrive by spaceship once. It was only an inch high. I asked it why it was only an inch high and it said “I’m not I’m a fully grown lioness, its just that I’m further away than you think.” Shuda Gantaspecsavers

Dr F: Big cats have been abducted by aliens in the past, because animal rights protestors can’t get them through a turnstile in Zoos.

I saw ‘Cats’ ,the West End show. What a fucking swiz! It turns out they are just humans trying to pass themselves off as cats. What cunt thought they could get one over me?  Hannibal Shelter

Dr F: Elaine Page laughs like a cat and makes catty remarks on her Radio 2 show but that doesn’t mean she is a real cat. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to put her down. I’m a doctor not a vet.

I played cards with a cat once. I lost everything. Why? Bjorn Loser

Dr F: He was a cheetah.

I’m a rude white self important opinionated alcoholic Brit hating Zimbabwean tourist bore sitting with a newspaper on a statue outside Buckingham palace. Bard Rigid

Dr F: Are you like me, trying to read between the lions?

If cats hate mice, why don’t they join forces with elephants who hate them too? The elephant could suck it out of the skirting board hole with its handy tube-like proboscis and then blow the rodent right into the waiting mouth of the cat. Presto! No more lying in wait! Tam Anmotion

Dr F: Good idea! How big is your living room?

I watched the cartoon gangster film ‘Topcat’ once. I know New York is the crime capital of the world but that Officer Dibble gives cats such a hard time. I wouldn’t want to be called ‘Tibbles’ in Central Park nowadays. Phil Osopher

Dr F: Yes, you might get mogged.

I’m a dishonest feline taxidermist who got a written warning for selling tortoise shells when they were empty. I told my boss to stuff the job. Ben Mounted

Dr F: Nothing worse than being found with your hand in the kitty.

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