I hide in my local Church. There’s never any bastard there I can be fucked with! Proper wankers all of them! Occasionally, some of my choirboys come in, but only to show me their ‘brass rubbings’. The little shits. The Pope
Dr F: It’s a Cardinal sin. It seems only yesterday, I played chess at my confessional with Father McFiddle. I bashed his Bishop while he played a Queen. I was glad of a little pawn back then.
I kissed the ring of the Pope once. Do I get a prize? Heidi Hi
Dr F: I’d be scared. It must be dark under that cassock.
Call yourself, a Doctor? Doctor? My arse! Curt Bugger
Dr F: Ok, I will try my best. Go to reception and make an appointment. Your piles are like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon in Lavender valley. I don’t know if I should operate or abseil from them.
I have orgasms twice a night about Jesus. He is very good looking in all the pictures I’ve seen. I can strum myself like an old banjo thanks to his tight little butt and that little Christian soldier he has tucked away in his toga. Thank you Lord! Mona Lott
Dr F: I’m glad that you believe in the second coming.
I have heard enough blasphemy! You are a GP why do you let your readers get so aroused over a man who came to wash away our sins. Andy Perspirant
Dr F: That’s stubborn and tenacious stains for you.
I hide behind hymn books to pick my nose. Will I go to hell? Gilbert Green
Dr F: Nobody is pointing the finger at you. Only you are.
I like church. I was told ‘to take a pew’. It looks great on my patio. It’s amazing what you can steal when praying eyes are shut. Thankyou Lord! Nick Owt
Dr F: While asking the congregation to pray in the synagogue Jesus always took the lead……. Off the roof !
I’m very rich and went to court and I swore on the bible. I put it on the floor stood on it, and told the Magistrate to fuck off. Gavin Nottashite
Dr F: Yes you arrived in a limo. Now you have another kind of stretch.
I am a Mother Superior of the “Sisters are Doing it for Themselves Order for The Use of Sacred & Blessed Root Vegetables That Don’t Snore Afterwards” . Thank you for the tour of your lovely church, here in Grunty Fen, but I have grazes on my elbows and knees, and it’s not through prayer! Sister Naynickkers
Dr F: Next time I offer to take you up the belfry hold on tightly and borrow my shin-pads. Please be careful. It’s very dark and wet and full of cobwebs and with a very tight back passage, full of nooks and crannies that are very slippery.
So is the belfry.
I am a stool analyst. Herds of turds, every single day. Craggy ones! Clay ones! Tarred and feathered ones! Curly Wurly ones! My working life is one huge bunch of crap at the end of the day. I’m bored. I feel that I’m just going through the motions. It’s a shitty job but somebody has to do it. To top it all when I get home I find out I’m constipated!!! So now I really don’t give a shit..literally! All day looking at pooh and all I can manage is a turtles head, and I sound like I’m tuning up for the Philharmonic Orchestra. I hate faeces to pieces! Shirley Knott
Dr F: Why don’t you start some kind of movement?
I’m an Irish Monk from the “Order of Last Orders Your Glasses Gentlemen please. Home, for Those Who Actually Haven’t Got a Home to Go To.” God is watching you, and he’s not laughing. Beelzebub will lead you to the fiery pit.. You raw pagan heathen savage! Blasphemer!!! Will you never repent? Or do you prefer to burn in the everlasting fires of Hades? Friar Dick Fritter & Lucy Furr
Dr F: You have a point. If I die an atheist I’ll be all dressed up and nowhere to go? Hurrah! In that case, I repent and I’ll become a good Catholic doing what God intended…like… drinking the blood of infants and practicing choirboy sodomy for starters. From now on, I’ll be deflowering virgins like there is no tomorrow and practicing the Dark arts like an ordained and blessed priest! There I was thinking I was going to hell when there are so many other nefarious rituals to perform! Hallelujah! Now! Where can I find a heretic to torture this time of night?
(Beep) “Roger, Houston. Copy that. I am tethered to the ship with a litter picker in one hand and anal irritation in the other. So, my mission is to remove ‘SpaceJunk? What do I do about debris around Uranus, over?” (Beep) Ivor Dangleberry
Dr F: Personal hygiene while orbiting any planet to avoid skidmarks in your spacesuit is difficult. Our solar system is littered with shit and we don’t want to add to it. ‘Marmite Mishaps’ in any ‘Blackhole’ can be a problem to our brave Astronauts. Science tells us that ‘crusty shreddies’ can hamper intergalactic tasks, like playing backgammon for example. Fortunately ‘Fudge Smudges’ are completely weightless when picking up other peoples shite in zero gravity. A spacesuit's gusset appears clinker-free until compromised by decompression back on board the capsule. Only then will fellow astronauts give feedback on what a slovenly dirty bastard you are! That a cackhanded ‘Smear Campaigner’ should have stayed on earth and learned how to wipe his arse properly, before he decided to be launched with a ‘Molasses Ass.’ Especially, in a space rocket with confined spaces and no Hakle moists.
BTW you fitted me with a coil. Now my 1979 Austin Allegro won’t start. Gita Cabb
Dr F: At least you have a nice pair of headlights. Don’t worry I’ll give you a jump later after a few more tired double-entendres like the last.