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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose


This week - Complaints

Why do you stereotype and it has nothing to do with Hi-Fi brands? You call mixed races ‘Johnny Foreigner’. Maybe I should complain to W.H.O. about YOU! Mitch Innmacrabs

Dr Farquar says: Be still. A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN only recently. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Hime freeom a heeuuge hise in Seeurrey. Yah. Hime deeong moi’s degray, hat Heeton.Yah. Hits hin Socio-aqua-bio-loop-de-loop-discoversion’ steeadies. Yah. Mumsy, says, yez trooly, weel be jayning the cweem hoff one’s Bwitish echodeemia, yah, deeont yeow kneeeow? Seow, deont, teeok the peeos, tharz a gid chip. Tristan Shout

Dr F: I met your mother and, like you, she finds it hard to talk with a cathedral in her mouth. She said to me, she enjoyed having Balls in her new ‘peeosh freeock’. So, she let me wear it for a week. It cut me under the arms a bit, but it was worth it.

The Cream of British Academia, eh? You mean, students like you, who are already thick, surrounded by clots, and left on their own, start to smell rancid and are liable to go off at any minute. Listen, sonny. College life is about meaningful sacrifice, so if you end up with too much Fromage Frais on your chin, think of changing your name to Neil Doon.

You Chump! You prescribed me bourbon biscuits because you had run out of pretend placebos for my imagined symptoms. Surely, my phantom water retention of my left earlobe would be better treated with mintcreams or a jammy dodger? Mack Vitties

Dr F: Stick to bourbons. If they don’t seem to have any effect, paint a series of white dots on them with Tippex and use them for dominoes.

My complaint is reading the sick note you gave my boss. Now he won’t allow me to have my favourite salad dressing on my canteen meals. Is he out to lunch himself? Alan Adazeswerk

Dr F: Like all qualified Doctors, I never learned how to write properly. You see, it depends on the seriousness of the symptoms. If they are very serious we don’t want to alarm our patients unnecessarily and so make our written diagnosis illegible. If you try to sue me in a court of law for wrongful diagnosis I can turn to the judge and say “How do you expect me to read that load of old scrawl, you silly old bugger. Why not try catching real criminals instead of cardboard ones.”

In your case all I wrote on your sicknote was. “Suffering from bad diet and too much Malaise.”

I am allergic to your office as last time I came out in black eyes and broken legs. Call yourself a Doctor? Mahatma Coot

Dr F: I’m a Doctor. Satisfied?

I want to complain. My wife asked you for help with her acne, so you prescribed plenty of junk food and rubbed mud and horseshit into her complexion. Now she has lockjaw. You haven’t heard the last of my wife….errr….unless she doesn’t get better….that is. Gandhi Offlicence

Dr F: Give it a rest. I told you tetanus was fashionable in your village. Look on the bright side. Blowjobs are easy and I saved you a fortune in gaffa-tape.

see also Dr Farquar-Smith on:

Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials
Definitions
More Definitions
Sleep
Friendship
Money
Timewasters
Hygiene
Hair
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Halloween
Sheep
Pet Hates
Dementia
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Measurement
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Testimonials
Challenges
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law
Question Time
Words
Incest
Communication
Finer Details
Parents and Family
Wonder
Riddles
Community
Patriotism
Defying Description 1
Defying Description 2
Good Practice
Sex and the Law
Pigs
Expressions
Superstition
Stress
Work and Life Balance
Teeth
Dogs
Self Esteem
Luck
American Football
Political Correction
Colloquialisms
Actual Facts 1
Actual Facts 2
Actual Facts 3
Household Hints
Ignorance
Wildlife
Pubs
Christmas 3
New Year Resolutions
Marriage

Stupidity
Fear
Home Truths
Home Truths 2
Idiosyncrasy
Carrots
Logic
Experiments
Tradesmen
Conversation Starters
Impotence

Nightmares
Poverty
Near Death Experiences
The Bible
Eating Disorders
Magic
Phobias
Hangovers
Catch 22
Voting
Culture
Relaxation
Race
NTL Complaint