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I blame my parents for me being a cannibal bulimic. They have both been eating me from an early age. I am sorry I keep bringing them up but they really make me sick. Pip Mahorn Dr Farquar says: Yes, it seems your kith and kin are quite hard to swallow. Leave them at the side of the plate in future. I am 83 yrs old with associated varicose tongue and like to smuggle food and drink through customs. I was caught at Gatport Airwick with a polo mint and just over a litre of mucus. They confiscated my Phlegm jar in the interest of National security. The custom officer insisted I have my stomach pumped so I let him shag me. Tish Yoo Dr F: Now I know why they call it Easyjet. Yes, we are known in the UK for even stranger customs at airports. For instance our baggage handlers live in curious maisonettes with their step parents and are trained how to use a wheelbarrow to force them to stand on their hind-legs. Does this “I beat anorexia T-shirt” make my bum look big in this helicopter? Prince Harry Dr F: Oh dear! Don’t take after your Mum like that and always wear a seatbelt. Always eat as much as possible before you lose your appetite. Be careful, your Royal Highchair. Beware if your chopper starts revolving faster where you are sitting and the top bit stays still. I’m worried about gaining weight in the wrong places. Should I try a more fashionable restaurant? Ann Chovy Dr F: Yes, your obesity is an ever expanding problem and you are in no shape to argue. Running on the spot will get you nowhere and dieters are too narrow minded with a gable end your size. Try a low fat stress free diet of coffee and fingernails. I’m 28 stone and four kilo ounces and I thought I had fooled my new Internet girlfriend by sending her a picture of me looking thinner. This I did by looking at my computer screen through the wrong end of a telescope and ‘cutting and pasting’ my head onto a very well endowed male porn star's body. The problem is, she also lied about her age and I found out she is over ninety years old. ‘Her’ picture sent to me was of Britney Spears in a rubber diving suit to disguise her abuse of drugs, vulnerability, vacant eyes and wrinkly frame. It was only the catheter strapped to her side that gave the game away. She is also very shortsighted and emailed me back about my picture “Change your hairstyle, it makes your nose look too long!” Josh Inyu Dr F: I’m happy for you both. You seem well-matched and, if not, the image of each other. I hope your near to croaking girlfriend will help you to be happy with your size. I am. I have a right laugh every time I see you naked. I’m an anorexic with a yeast infection making me look even fatter. What do you suggest? Philippa Penny Dr F: I don’t know, but suddenly I feel I could eat a quarter-pounder with cheese.
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