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This week - Finer Details Why are highways build so close to the ground? (Fooge) Dr Farquar comments: Except in the case of flyovers. In my younger days I remember a nurse kissing me on the Chiswick flyover while I still had both hands on the wheel. I can’t tell you what happened when I got lost up the Staines bypass. Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes? (By Fooge) Dr F: Is this a currant thing? Why are some gay people so unhappy? (Fooge) Dr F: Never lend money to gay people. They will rarely honour their debts because they say, “I’ll pay you back when I’m straight.” I’m fed up with them touching me for a fiver every time they get a chance. I wouldn’t mind, but the last time I was given change. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? (Fooge) Dr F: Yes, with global warming, all future airports may have to be sea-bound. The duty free will be sold from counters mounted on lilos. Small buoys will mark the landing strip and the usual bad tempered baggage handlers will do less damage because they can’t kick your case around as easily with flippers on. Why do kids at school walk about with their shirt hanging out like a mobile airing cupboard? Or, with ripped jeans that cost you more than ones that aren’t buggered when they’re new? (Fooge) Dr F: I used to have a Hawaiian shirt. I looked like a cross between a walking carnival and the bathroom curtains. It was so loud it made Ruby Wax softly spoken. Mind you, I would like to go to Hawaii just to arrive and have a garland put around my neck by a beautiful native girl wearing a grass skirt, but it would probably itch too much and scratch my purple conker or snap my banjo string. Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting? (Fooge) Dr F: I know. A patient asked me the title of a good self-help book once and I refused to tell him as it completely defeats the purpose. Why are violets blue and not violet? (Fooge) Dr F: How romantic. It was you that asked me ‘why they call them pooh sticks?’ So I made you drop your trousers to show you. I was late home from the opium den last night and, as it was Valentines Day, I bought some violets for Mrs Smith to put her in the mood. She opened the front door a trifle testy. She tore the flowers from my grip and said, “I suppose by buying me these poxy flowers you expect me to go upstairs and lie on the bed with my legs in the air?” I said, “What’s wrong with a vase?” Why did the pot call the kettle black? (Fooge) Dr F: It was just a storm in a teacup. Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers? (Fred Allen) Dr F: I was so drunk Saturday night I thought I saw a ballerina use the brass bar on the counter to do limbering exercises by kicking high. It turned out to be a girl in a boobtube who hadn’t bothered to shave her armpits when trying to attract the barmen and waving a fiver in the air. I took her home to plait them for her. She was grateful, but I was so pissed I had to borrow her ‘straighteners’ before I could shag her. Why do flamingos stand on only one leg? (Fooge) Dr F: You would be shy to show your legs if God put your knees on back to front. Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi? (Fooge) Dr F: I remember when John Lennon died and his last hit. It was the pavement. Why do pigs have curly tails? (Fooge) Dr F: So that when they reverse into a Farmer they can spring off more easily. Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? (Fooge) Dr F: Silly isn’t it? What about that sign on the back of lorries “If you can’t see my mirrors I can’t see you?” I’m not going to drop back fifty yards just so they can be nosy. Why at Tesco, when you just manage to remember where everything is for shopping, do they move stuff elsewhere the next time you go there? What's the point of a fixture if it moves around? (Fooge) Dr F: I agree. I don’t understand people who write letters and moan when they never get to the address? Surely that’s why it’s called stationary? Do lazy soldiers at Reveille always miss the last post? Tesco needs a wake up call too. Try this in their tired old tasteless store next time: Scatter condoms from the health and beauty section into other shopper’s baskets and watch the fun at the checkout. Better still, hide amongst the trouser section and shout “Pick me, Pick me.” Or go to a clothing cubicle and place a sign “There's no paper in here either.” Snap open a can of Heinz ravioli and a small tub of coleslaw and empty the entire contents into your mouth. Pretend to throw up in a freezer cabinet and scream “Be gone Son of Lucifer”. Try squirting a tube of Tesco Finest tomato puree at random across the feminine hygiene products shelf. Wear a white leotard and get an assortment of Tesco value vegetables and fruit and place them at strategic locations inside your attire in full view of checkout queues. Put a mango on each knee. For testicles, use an Ugli fruit as one bollock and a Swede for the other. At the front, stick the biggest cucumber on display down the left thigh. If the manager asks you to leave because of causing offence to his customers, point out that you were just taking advantage of buying your daily recommended dose of five fruit and vegetables and doing your bit for the environment by not using a carrier bag. If he tries to correct you and says that you only bought four.. and not five specimens to put in your Lycra…. Calmly drop your spandex … Bend over…. and show him the benefit of such dietary roughage by way of an unusually thick courgette stuck up your arse.
see also Dr Farquar - Smith on: |
