This week: Home Improvements

I went out to a birthday party with a painter and decorator but he was more interested in getting to grips with the stripper. Anna Glypta

Dr F: Yes, it's easy to get the top off when you know how. No need to get steamed up about it.

I was invited to a painters' dinner and dance and they all took turns in cutting in. Vi Mura

Dr F: I heard the band did some dodgy covers.

I was decorated in the last war, getting yellow emulsion all over my Victoria cross. Stan Attease

Dr F: Try and gloss over it. Moan when you find pips in your fruit salad.

I’d like to make my paint go further. I’m also anorexic, meaning I already use thinners. I will gladly let you shag me as long as you can find me a substitute. Dick Turpentine

Dr F: The only substitute I found is Wanda Whassup and it was like sex with a toast rack.

I’m a plumber and I’m four weeks late because of a series of perfectly implausible excuses. Can I charge £60 for something I cannot find in the van and try and screw a geyser to the wall? Roger Annoot

Dr F: The last bloke could do that all and eat a pizza at the same time too, so I don’t think so. You plumbers are as much use as the hoop of plastic string around a pepperoni.

To avoid getting a skin on top of a pot of paint, store it upside down. That way a skin will never form. Ivor Nvq

Dr F: I wonder if it works the same with custard?  No, I suppose not. Mrs Smith hates yellow on the walls and it tends to attract wasps.

I was once a carpenter and used to perform miracles, thinking I was God’s gift to mankind. I could fix anything. I would just turn the tap on and wine would come out.  When the washing machine flooded I would actually walk on the water, inventing the floating floor.  I eat enough to feed the five thousand. Told a few tales I can tell you! I seldom get my ass moving.  Got arrested by the military once which ended up with them making me a little cross. Jay Susswept

Dr F: Another one who said he would come back and put things right and never has.

I have hung the Laura Ashley Liberty Habitat never knowingly undersold wallpaper to coordinate with the curtains, cushions and other soft furnishings in our bedroom. The other day my wife walked into the bedroom wearing a dress matching everything around her and I shagged the lampshade by mistake. Matt Vinyl

Dr F: Yes I remember that dress. Tiny flowers and a pretty trim on the edges. Like a well kept grave.

I have just changed a light bulb in my house. The poor chap used to be fed up about countless jokes being told about him. After seeing me pass my Open University course on Futility it was his time to shine. Now instead of merely glimmering like some sad crap energy bulb he beams at me.  I suppose I do not need to shop for a new one now saving me a fortune and giving hope to dud lightbulbs everywhere. I’ve seen the light. Carey Abag

Dr F: In future pray while you shop:

Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy food hall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card
And lead us not into Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier and Eternity
AMEX

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