This week - Home Truths
I met my lover at camera club and we just seem to click. Deptha Field
Dr Farquar says: So do your hips and ill-fitting dentures. Now you have digital photography, lets hope you don’t develop something else. Keep me in the picture.
I’m a mime artist and got arrested for pretending to drive a car through a shopping centre. Do I still have the right to remain silent? Sam Difrance
Dr F: Look on the bright side you won’t have to make a series of overstated gestures to give the impression of being in a confined space anymore. The real problem for you is that, if you died of a heart attack during your routine in your own cell, nobody would give a shit.
My deaf lesbian dwarf red setter girlfriend is morbidly obese. In other words she listens to the blues while she is stuffing her face with chicken. She loves food so much she just opens her mouth and walks forward. She even has edible cutlery and I have to nail the tablecloth down.. Fatima Ears
Dr F: Why not climb inside the bucket of chicken first before she opens it? Imagine her surprise when she sees you waiting in the wings.
Why does a crabstick look like a lobster's erection? Madge Yalook
Dr F: Indeed. Whelks look like vaginas too, but that doesn’t give you the right to use too much vinegar and pepper ruining the natural taste.
Where can I get a fridge freezer big enough to put hitchhikers in? If we get rid of them as soon as we pick them up then we motorists won’t be forced to drive slightly out of our way to drop them off near a truck-stop, thus reducing our carbon footprint and saving the planet. Egbert Nawbacon
Dr F: Good idea. I have twelve fridges just for my beer. You could call me a fridge magnate.
Very quickly then. I hate people who have hair on their top lip. Must dash. Ray Zersbluntazfuk
Dr F: Yes. I knew a lady patient who when asked at the beauty parlour if she would like a ‘wax,’ turned up with a pair of handlebars that made the late school headmaster Jimmy Edwards, star of corporal punishment and sixties comedy show ‘Whacko,’ look like the cat could lick it off.
Facial hair is more and more common in women than most men ever admit and doesn’t mean they are gay. If you like bushy birds with long Alvin Stardust sideburns, and at least measuring one pubic foot below the navel, ask them what blades they use to get that ‘up close’ shave, or at least offer a free 10% off voucher for electrolysis. In the case of your wife why not try to support her through this procedure by standing at a safe distance in a local bar wearing a lead jacket and asbestos gloves, otherwise the force needed might blow the froth right off.
I’m a very busy suicide bomber, having to be in several places at once on Saturday in your evil British Home Stores. Allah is Good. Praise be to Allah. Die infidel. See you in Paradise yer feckin’ silly cunt ya. Aieeeeeee… Tom Martyr
Dr F: Some people will do anything to get on the Samaritans mailing list. You have never been the same since you started smoking. We in the West are not afraid of being bombed. We don’t understand it, though. Most terrorist bombings go right over our heads. We had the IRA before Bin Laden was even born, at the very front of the Q already spelling IRAQ. Now our terrorists are much loved since the Northern Ireland troubles have taken a short break and even get elected to help run our government, making our England a much safer place compared to …say….the jeep and four tons of fertiliser that you borrowed off me for the weekend.
I am a live subject for an art class but I hope I won’t be drawn on this. Al Befooked
Dr F: Yes. Don’t worry you already look a little feint.
My husband is impotent and depressed. I want to leave him. but would Viagra give us both something to hold onto? Ava Rubb
Dr F: A tough one, Madam. However, statistics show that 80% of all husbands kiss their wife goodbye before they leave the house and the rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: