This week: LUNACY

If you think I’m putting on that  straight jacket  you must think I’m stark staring mad. Perry Noia
Dr F: Why not? The label on it has a warning “May contain nuts”?

You are the one that is mad. I saw you making effigies out of your patients and sticking needles in them. Is it better than wearing patches? Ann Gina
Dr F: How wrong can you be? These are small plastic figures for controlled laboratory conditions and practical demonstrations at my lectures. These are educational aids to look at possible new keyhole surgery methods and different routes for the points of incision for difficult procedures hitherto thought inoperable. Then when I’m done with that I invite them into my surgery to take mood altering drugs and,while in a frenzied stupor, walk on hotcoals pushing sharp instruments through their cheeks.

I only came here to peel the vegetables and  you diagnosed me with “Seven to a Bed Syndrome with Smelly Fingers” - a malady usually associated with too much interbreeding. Now you tell me that because of a curious experiment with my brother inside a peat bog I have cultured DNA made from chromosomes mostly found in oversexed ferrets and tractor axle grease. You say I have already spawned the devil’s offspring producing a long line of total cretins with pig manure for brains. Have you nothing to say?? Roger Datt
Dr F: Sorry, Mum.

Can I have two cod and chips please. Enya Dreems
Dr F: Your laser eye surgery did not go to plan. I tripped over the cable and the gun went off up your left nostril first burning away your sinuses and adenoids, taking out your tonsils and erasing a tattoo off your epiglottis. While I tried to free the laser gun from your proboscis the switch got knocked to full power and a powerful beam then ricocheted around the inside of your skull for several minutes before it hit anything, finally leaving you with a small piece of charcoal for a brain. You’re still as blind as a bat but the extra incidental non-vital surgery will cost you £350,000 or your pension book and scratch cards.

Doctor. I keep thinking everybody hates me. Dee Pressed
Dr F: Of course not. Not everybody has met you yet.

I’ve got something I’ve never had before.  Josh Yoonott
Dr F: A job you mean?  You are living proof that when it comes to work you will stop at nothing.

I have a job at a circumcision unit. Its £200 a week plus all the tips. Willy Snipper
Dr F: Sounds like a cut above the rest. One false move and you could get the sack instead. I was circumcised at birth. It was so sore I couldn’t walk for a year.

I’m a Gardener who works on my mental health issues by digging my allotment. How else can I improve my lot? Ivor Rake
Dr F: Get a life. I’m already surrounded by enough vegetables like you. I have people dig my garden for me on a regular basis for free! They are called forensics.

I feel I am losing my self esteem. I have trouble with self confidence and  feel that I don’t fit in. Des Pondent
Dr F: Please don’t worry. Feelings of evaporating self worth and a sense of not belonging are very common among useless cunts like you.

I’m morbidly obese. Thank you for the breakthrough operation to enable me to touch my toes by sewing my feet to my wrists. But how is that going to help me lose weight?  Sir Cummfrence
Dr F: I was hoping the smell might put you off your lunch.

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