This week: The Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy Manifesto

“Make Nostalgia A Reality”

Dr Farquar is putting himself forward for the next election with retro policies that come with a handy ‘what comes around goes around feel good factor’ with some practical but hugely radical changes to the way we run this country and the rest of the known universe and Southend.

Law and Order:  All those who break the law or act anti-socially will be put on big feck-off prison ships anchored inside the Arctic circle where it’s too cold to get up to any more mischief. The ‘ships company’ or ‘screws’ as we affectionately call them, will be the likes of Hazel Blears and other discharged ministers who have stolen from our country. Smiling assassins who love to tell other people how to behave and now get a chance to rub shoulders with real criminals like themselves.

Victims of crime will be able to visit their assailants on board and all piratical disciplines will be enforced to enable them to get muggers and rapists to ‘walk the plank’ keelhauled or given ‘forty lashes with the cat and nine’. Never mind, worse things happen at sea.

Land is in sight for those who see the error of their ways after their sentence. They will all be electronically tagged for the rest of their lives and shown as little red dots on your wrist worn Sat Nav so you can steer clear of them.

Benefit fraud will be curtailed, asking claimants to give all their money away to landlords stopping our lovely pubs from closing for all those that don’t like work and for those that do but who just fancy a pint anyway.

Education: 90% of what you learn at school you will never use. Schools will be turned into Butlins and Pontins. Kids instead will be with their Mummy and Grandparents all day learning from Wikipedia (Wikipedia is non-profit making and run by volunteers so Google supporters will be put on prison ships for being money grabbing capitalists) on their computers four hours a day and taught things that they will need to empower them later on in life. The joys of irony, or the timing of a punchline etc. Parents will encourage children to play cowboys and Indians, bicycle ride, scrump, and go stickleback fishing. Conkering will be compulsory for children up to 33 yrs of age.

Exams will become obsolete giving old men in gentleman’s clubs time to play chess and smoke big cigars instead of peddling thought control to our bemused offspring through teaching them shite classic poetry and chronological history. History sucks. Most of us weren’t even there when it happened. Instead, the new curriculum will have children taught how to play an instrument well and not pick their nose while doing so. Help with the chores. Be able to learn to swim, make fire, wilderness cook and orienteering skills for when their parents finally kick them out. On their sixteenth birthday each child will be given a compass and a map and shown how to put on a condom.

Underage mothers will be supervised to run crèches for other children as well as their own brood of unfortunates instead of leaving their babies on church steps. This will teach them not to be buried in a Y shaped coffin.

Climate Change: All cars will be recycled and we will revert to horse drawn carriages. No need for lorries or white vans unless they can be converted to run on horseshit. Motorways will become somewhere to graze and dine on hedgehog in clay between bricks. Petrol and kerosene will not be needed except to waste in Hollywood disaster movies. People will become less interested in that sort of thing and listen to Radio Four, wear Brylcreem and play board games again.

Because everybody will grow their own vegetables in the back yard or allotment, Garden Centres will thrive even more and become  so big that they will take over Tescos and DIY Superstores. Mega shops like ‘Do it all’ and ‘Homebase’ will be phased out. Left shut with a sign “That little job will just have to wait.” Re-introducing sawdust on the floors of hardware shops in the High St again who sell six inch nails in brown paper bags and coats with a smile. No more rude teenagers telling you how to tile a bathroom. Trees will be planted on car parks, making gigantic renewable managed forests.

Economy:  Money and credit will cease to exist. Bartering systems will be in place by 2011. A dozen eggs for a blowjob and similar. Money is only paper and will be used to burn in the grates of old people to keep them warm in the winter. Utility companies will be able to go and fuck themselves one by one eventually. Peat-cutters will deliver your winter fuel by Pony and Trap.

Farmers will have no need to grow crops at a loss and instead sell their produce on the side of the road or to the garden centres that will soon (actually now happening) occupy Heathrow and Stansted. Planes will be grounded and made into cinemas with Saturday matinees. The cabin crew will still have their job selling popcorn and Barrats sherbet dips. People that must go abroad will have to watch a virtual tour on their laptop instead. Laptops and the Internet will stay for the moment, as they serve healthy educational purposes and provide a good deal of self arousal that otherwise might be wasted.

Immigration:  International travel will be heavily restricted so indigenous peoples can slowly reclaim their land. However, holidays overseas may be possible through swapping places with migrants coming here. No planes and cars means Brit travelers will have to make a raft if they are that desperate. This will give UK holidaymakers a feckin’ idea about why people come to the UK for a better life, and instead of  moaning  about their lot just make the best of things.

The Environment: Landfill will stop completely because the Eastern Europeans (already in place) will use what we throw away instead of Westerners taking what they could fix or re-use for granted while ordering the next upgraded model online. Ebay will discontinue business to stop pathological lying and false representation by sellers and smug tightarse buyers who never stand their round in pubs.

All cash machines/pay and display etc will be made into Superships for prisons as mentioned in Section One.  As for jewellery and perfume - they just don’t work anymore. Blokes like women with natural beauty not fucking extras from Babylon Five that look like they've been out in a gale while hit in the mouth with a meat-axe and smell like an Avon lady found dead in an acid bath.

Talking of saving energy and bathing: Bathing is fun, especially if you can afford Vosene family shampoo. Energy can be saved by bathing in a tin tub on a Sunday night before John Craven and butter and crumpets by the fire …. only after the kids and the wife of course.

Technology: Feck that. All mobile phones will be incinerated to power the National grid. Old red phone boxes will be resurrected for people who save up their florins to make very important calls on a Friday night, between seven and eight pm, rain or shine. A red phone box (children are you listening?) is where you have to stand up in a place that smells of stale tobacco and piss just to say ‘I Love You’ before the pips go. If you have some change left you are at liberty to buy a bag of chips on the way home.

Laptops, as I said in the previous section, will be allowed, but any social networking removed. Who needs to meet people who have nothing better to do than display their dirty laundry and pester folk. Sad bastards if you ask me. You have a scrapbook and a photo album… like it or lump it. If you want to brag about how many friends you’ve got, do so by all means, but only when somebody tries to hit you with a sock of marbles. (probably another pissed off lottery winner. Please read on).

Public transport: Public transport will be available for thruppence to go anywhere, including Bangor. Trains will be fuelled by more horseshit, as will buses, encouraging better hygiene amongst passengers who will blame the smell on the person opposite.

Pushbikes will be available to anybody who tries to avoid them. Mobility wheelchairs will be sold only to infirm elderly people and not fat twats too lazy to walk to the Spar to get a lottery ticket.

Lottery winners will be paid in marbles, as money will no longer be. Marbles can be swapped for anything and make great entertainment for all the family.

Defence:  All war will stop.. do you hear me? Soldiers who insist on wanting to go to war won’t be able to. Their camouflage trousers will be confiscated and hidden in the woods unseen, because they are camouflaged. So they don’t try to use a M16 it will have cork in the barrel. Instead, soldiers will be employed to run the emergency services, as the present system only seems to encourage hoaxers.

Health: As with prisoners in Section One, people who bring swine flu into the country or any other diseases once again (and don’t feel sorry for them) will be put on big feck-off hospital ships and left in the Antarctic, this time to try and get better. Germs don’t like the cold and even if you had vague flu-like symptoms and diaorrhea you would probably be too cold to give two shits.

see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: