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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Poverty

I have been on Social Security so long I have been offered tickets to the staff dance. Beat that! Linda Fiver

Dr Farquar says: Look at me. I started out with nothing and still have most of it. Without Mrs Farquar and her shrewdness with money I wouldn’t get the best cuts from stray animals on a Sunday.

I am so poor that a burglar broke into our house and deliberately left his sandwiches. Todd Ure

Dr F: You liar. You come from a posh part of town. I even saw you at a drive-in soup kitchen.

I am so broke I have to use self-raising flour instead of talcum powder. When I sweat I break out in crop circles and pancakes. Whitney Goodfaya

Dr F: Wheat can cause a reaction in me also. A baker tried to sell me a stale loaf once and so I kicked him in the clockweights.

I’m strapped for cash. I wait years to find out which kids are losing milk teeth and steal into their bedrooms to get the money before the tooth fairy does. Beat that. Callum Akunt

Dr F: Ingenious. I sent my kids to the Sudan as a lot of kind people around the world will pay a pound a month to make sure they get food, clean water and shelter. It works well. I feel I’m doing my bit for charity and its cut down my Waitrose bill by half.

I went to your surgery for a Children In Need fundraiser and you were so mean when it came to your donation you didn’t even sign the cheque. Dusty Invoice

Dr F: I wanted to remain anonymous.

Money burns a hole in my pocket. How can I stop setting light to it and ruining a perfectly good pair of trousers? Bern Maflares

Dr F: Your trousers are too combustible. Get asbestos ones. Next time you feel the urge to turn your corduroys into an incendiary, think about what you have put by for a rainy day and hope it puts the buggers out.

I was a poor Nature Reserve ranger on the National Minimum wage but I came into money at last by winning the lottery. I’m richer beyond my wildest flowers. What a lucky stroke. Walter MaBulbs

Dr F: Yes you were very lucky. It’s a shame the stroke happened exactly when you heard the news and I was able to look after your winning ticket for you before you dribbled on it. Now I can afford another yacht as the first one got wet.

 

see also Dr Farquar-Smith on:

Transport
Christmas
New Year
Success
Love
Health
Laughter
The Ward
Death
Cremation
More death
The Generation Gap
Intelligence
Medicine
Diet
Psychics
Body Neurosis
Smoking
Diagnosis
Truth
Drink
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
Life
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Thinking
Dreaming
Extra Terrestials
Definitions
More Definitions
Sleep
Friendship
Money
Timewasters
Hygiene
Hair
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Halloween
Sheep
Pet Hates
Dementia
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Measurement
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Testimonials
Challenges
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law
Question Time
Words
Incest
Communication
Finer Details
Parents and Family
Wonder
Riddles
Community
Patriotism
Defying Description 1
Defying Description 2
Good Practice
Sex and the Law
Pigs
Expressions
Superstition
Stress
Work and Life Balance
Teeth
Dogs
Self Esteem
Luck
American Football
Political Correction
Colloquialisms
Actual Facts 1
Actual Facts 2
Actual Facts 3

Household Hints
Ignorance
Wildlife
Pubs
Christmas 3
New Year Resolutions
Marriage

Stupidity
Fear
Home Truths
Home Truths 2
Idiosyncrasy
Carrots
Logic
Experiments
Tradesmen
Conversation Starters
Impotence
Nightmares