This week - Privates
I think Noel Edmunds is right about cosmic ordering! I asked you to give me surgery to make my penis touch the floor and you amputated my legs to give this effect. Thanks. Liam Smissing
Dr Farquar says: I’m the one that should be stumped. Don’t trust men who wear the bathroom curtains and have a lesbian haircut. You should get your cosmics from Avon in future. They have already been tested on women and so should be fine for your pet hamster.
They say you should be careful what you wish for. I wished I had knockers on my back so my boyfriend would stop playing the double bass. Instead, due to a macabre accident with a junior hacksaw and remedial work done with my granny's crochet hook I now have 48dd fun-bags on my eyebrows making it impossible to see where I’m going without the ongoing use of anti- rollbars and the rear shock absorbers of an Astra van. Amy Titsafrizzin
Dr F: What will you think of next? Car parts are slowly being introduced into plastic surgery as body part donors are in short supply. People have transformed their lives with the prudent use of motor components. Only the other day a lady was late for an appointment saying she had a problem with bad timing and that her ring was blown at the last visit. Within half an hour I jacked her up, got right underneath and gave her my big end. Now, she goes like a bomb when warmed up and handles beautifully, even if her rocker box does need screwing down every so often.
I wished upon a star once. It was Amy Winehouse. She let me pooh on her head too. Beat that! Ken Iffawont
Dr F: Some of my best wishes are just as romantic. That’s why a jar of saveloys are always kept in my pantry when I can bear it no longer.
I wish the hole in the wall didn’t eat my credit card. Is this the credit crunch? Colin Lloyds
Dr F: If the ATM is hungry, jam chips into the slot instead, keeping your cash card safe. Take these tips. Don’t put your money in the bank until they do. Interrupt the bank manager during his poker game with security guards and demand that they chain your money down like they do the pens on the counter.
I had a curry washed down with snakebite last night. I put my toilet rolls in the fridge as you advised but when I went to make a cup of tea the milk was in the airing cupboard. Why? Gunta Dribble
Dr F: Curry powder was initially used to stop rats eating the meat held at docks in Bombay before it was sold over here as depth charges and long before Asian waiters were allowed to wear black waistcoats. Other deterrents for rodents are now being sold at Tesco in party bags. This means you and all your immediate relatives can experience aerosol arseholes for under a tenner making bog and bum welding japes an Olympic event. If you don’t have snakebite to add to your self-inflicted early morning urgency Brobat will have the desired effect making you shit molten lava for the entire day and leaving your sherriff’s badge feeling like a recently fired rocket launcher without even having to go to Afghanistan.
I am naturally bald headed from birth. But, fortunately I have a thatch spanning many acres and thus I am protected by the National Trust. Not only do both men and women think me sexy but I will often find something stirring in theforest. It’s my Aunt Griselda who runs a local coven. What do you think of that? Ally Pisha
Dr F: You baldy women make me sick. Sinead O’Connor is a miserable cow and Mo Mowlam is dead. You need a New Yorker or a Brazilian. These are fancy terms for front botty barnet bashing. Unsightly foliage is a conservation issue also. Also, Black and Decker hedge-trimmers are only thirty quid from Argos. I’ll go halves with you and we can split the difference. Don’t try for your new designer vagina in public you could get yourself nicked.
I was approached by a Leprechaun inside an amulet with a strange little lamp. He let me rub it several times and then I asked to try the same with the lamp just for good luck. I wished I had a nice handsome dick and minutes later David Cameron came to visit me in hospital during my chemo. Barry Mabody
Dr F: That leprechaun came up short. I wouldn’t have wasted my last wish on him. I tried it once. I asked for a nicely trimmed pussy in my office with the next patient. Instead of a well groomed tortoise shell, I got Tara Palmer Tomkinson, spreadeagled on my desk, knocking my latte everywhere. Never again.
I have never looked back since you fitted me with a neck-brace. It’s just too hard to turn my head. While I was under the knife you granted my request for vaginal re-construction. Now my husband has fallen in love with me again and pleased I can slide down the banister without setting fire to my nightie. The consultant said he was quite happy with your surgical skill and heralded the procedure successful. How can I ever thank you? Lil O’Bush
Dr F: Enough woman! You have no need. I’m a Doctor with several sharp instruments, that’s why! By the way, it’s me who should be grateful to you. Thanks for the new ears.
I want to have a flash gash and I’d like to vote New Labia. Please help? Jane Naclub
Dr F: Yes, when I examined your doings yesterday, you do seem to lean too far to the left.
I’m fifty three and due to being struck by lightning I lost all my body hair. No pubes no eyebrows or lashes and I have armpits Celine Dion would die for. Should I bother getting a lottery ticket? Bern Tacinder
Dr F: Standing under trees in thunderstorms is dangerous especially when sharing needles. Boy George has the same problem and simply gives himself hair with a Magic Marker. If you must draw pubes on one of your private parts with a pen make sure its felt first.
I’m into wife swapping. It’s fun. Last time I got a CD by the Gypsy Kings. Don Tarsk
Dr F: What a bargain for you, eh? The CD has a small scratch on the third track but I can’t understand a fucking word these pikeys sing about anyway.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: