This week: Stools

You asked me to bring my stools in for examination. Now my punters at ‘The Pickled Sphincter’ have nowhere to sit. Are you thick or summit? Phil Ussupchum

Dr F:  Me, thick, Sir? How dare you? What I lack in length I more than make up for in girth. All I wanted was for you to give me some of your usual shit but that goes without saying.

Hey mate! I can see brown sticky stuff coming out between two fleshy masses. What is occurring? Gert Cha

Dr F: Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams are sharing a Curly Wurly.

The last time you manually evacuated me you lost your wristwatch. Now you have a strange expression on your face. Why? Ben Doon

Dr F: Really? I’m surprised you can see from that angle? I’m  pulling silly faeces.

Your stool exam takes ages.  Are you just going through the motions?  Faye Enuff

Dr F: Please drop the matter.

I’m worried about getting cancer. I’m 98 years old and have a Wii everytime I do aerobics at “There’s No Place like Home because We had to sell yours to pay for this one .. Haven for the Hopeless”. Apparently everybody should poke about in their pooh because every good shit tells a story about your health? Now my number 8 knitting needle is no use for anything else? Can I borrow a spatula? Pearl One

Dr F: I’m sure somebody from the surgery canteen will oblige but don’t get it mixed up with the black pudding.

My name is Piglet. What’s all this about Pooh? Piglet

Dr F: Now you ask,  I’ve heard he has a chronic eating disorder. Tigger has epilepsy with a speech impediment, like you. Rabbit is a paranoid schizophrenic and Roo and Kanga are living in sheltered housing. Christopher Robin is gay. The real downer is that Pooh no longer says “Bother” . He says “Fukkitt you cunt”  a lot because of his newly diagnosed tourettes syndrome.

I like that “Loose Women.” How do they sit so long without needing to check their shreddies when they touch cloth? Di Reah

Dr F: They have a verbal version of the condition.

I’m extremely shy to tell you this...but...but... I have a turtles head. Enya Knickers

Dr F: Its about time you came out of your shell. There are many conspiracy theories about reptilian species that are amongst us. By the state of your bog you have done plenty of your own shapeshifting.

I have a really good tip to stop bathroom niffs. Poo and flush simultaneously. Voila! No stubborn smells! Ann Drecks

Dr F: I got wind of that. I use pot pourri to disguise my vestiges of nostril abuse. Its a bit scratchy, so always remember to take the pine cones out first.

I heard the Queens royal jelly that comes out of her regal rusty sheriffs badge does not smell? Has anybody had a shit after her Majesty to find out? Monica E.

Dr F: Only once, and yes it does pen and ink after she has powdered her nose.  I was invited to give her an enema once and two footmen passed out and they were on annual leave. Why do you think she is called her Royal ‘Highness’. 

I love my bowels. I like to feel my hand wrapped around them and then watch them skid along the carpet while others watch me get as close to the jack as I can? Percy Veer

Dr F: Proof positive. Old people and spellcheckers do not mix.

I hate lifts. When somebody farts I always get the worst of it. Shamus Allmine

Dr F: It’s not easy being a midget in these situations  I’m sure. But at least you can get somebody to press the buttons for you.

I would have thought that jokes about poop should be kept in the lavatory. You disgust me!  I’m sorry, but after two bars of Exlax I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Nita Cork

Dr F: When I told you our waiting room loo was out of order and to ‘use the floor below’ I didn’t mean you could crap on my carpet.

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