This week: Supermarkets

I found a small boy with a coconut on his head, cowering in the vegetable section. What shall I do? Ann Shuss

Dr F: Don’t worry he’s just a little shy.

I wanted some ‘me-time’ so went into the toilets at Tesco and got 2 blowjobs for the price of one. Hurrah! Dick Dragon

Dr F: Yes, and Listerine and Hakles are offering double points.

The security guard at Wilcos is wearing latex gloves. I think he is a little too thorough with shoplifters, don’t you. Dee Sgustin

Dr F: You should know. It took four of them to pull a 72” plasma TV and a plastic coal scuttle from your arse.

Fack me! Why don’t fackin’ Tesco go to fackin’ Mogadishu and open a fackin’ ‘express’?... They fackin’ do every facking where else. Mary Sweary

Dr F: Are you fackin’ mad? The exchange rate is fackin’ EUR, 2.7577 SDG per AUD, 4.2456 SDG per GBP, 0.0523 SDG.

I went to you after becoming disorientated in Asda. You prescribed a phone call to a loved one and find out what brand of tofu to choose while in the dried food aisle. Thank you. Now I can make consumer decisions with renewed confidence. Dippy Mare

Dr F: ‘Every Little Helps’ proving the manager has a small nob.

I hear that cigarettes are being disguised with horrible green packaging. Now I have dropped my fags in my lamb’s lettuce and can’t find them. Re: Trace Masteps

Dr F: Filthy girl! I’ve heard about your foraging in your lettuce before. You should try herbal cigarettes and then you can stub them out in curry.

Why can’t I buy Blue stripe condoms to go with my Red stripe lager?  Johnny Jism

Dr F: Foul boy! Don’t mix them up, you could end up with a barbers pole with brewers droop and feeling cheap after a skinful.

Anglia Water have imposed a hoe’s pipe ban. No slappers in sight with a crackpipe anywhere now. Bah! Can I share a bong with your Missus? Charlie Skunk

Dr F: Of course. I wanted to be a campanologist like her but all those bell-ringers look like they are trying to conceal their raving homosexuality when their job title tells me something entirely different. I knew a girl who liked to ring my bell and enjoyed the pealing. She had dry leprosy.

They sell clothes in the new Sainburys in our town. How can I spend less, but still get fed and keep warm if I arrive at the store naked? Titas Fukk

Dr F: Food Giants are not just peculiar to Rumour,  Adele and Matt Lucas. They are called big shops now. Why not save buying clothes by bringing your food shopping home to wear?

Lady Gaga is doing this and dressing up in food fit for award ceremonies and her freezer. Have a ‘butchers hook’ at her meaty midriff. She was seen on the red carpet wearing meat! Why? So the dripping vascular fluid would not stain it.

Here are some food apparel tips to wear instead of needing to buy clothes, meaning your wardrobe can double as a larder. Next time you shop make some fashion decisions fit for any table.

Bread trousers
Pasta Pullover
Yoghurt Underwear
Stilton Shirt
Coarse Mince Scarf
Porridge Tie
Bacon gloves
Salmon Socks
Biscuit jacket
Spam sandals
Noodle necktie
Muesli waistcoat
Coffee T –Shirts
Corned beef Vest
Eggplant shoes (scooped out of course)

I’m 16 and love shagging. Is it true in parts of Romford you can exchange your Tesco school vouchers for straight sex when at the check out? Tom Katt

Dr F: Only if the girl at the till is not busy and you are accompanied by a qualified physician.

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