This week: The Supernatural

I’m a Presbyterian.  I’m not handing over anymore Sunday donations at my church to pay for my IBS treatment. You gave me a visit and I asked you to take a pew and now half my congregation have nowhere to sit.  Supernatural my spotty pocked arse! The Holy Spirit is the only ghost that exists you heathen infidel. Titas Fukk

Dr F says:  Your bowels are fine but everything else about you is already irritating. I don’t care what you are!  Whatever your own sexual persuasion is none of my business as long as it doesn’t involve Lester my nephew who carries your cassocks every Sunday. By the way, Lester wants to retire as his voice is breaking. He said his throat is feeling a little ruff too. God knows what the Holy Spirit is, but I hope he's nothing like his son or Father!

We have a ghost in our house. It picks up clothes and then neatly folds them and puts them back in drawers. Switches off lights left on and spends all day running a hoover around and doing dishes. Replace the looroll, and put the seat down. Bah! Dusty Waddroob

Dr F: These are your chores you lazy cow. We can’t all rely on poltergeist activity to get our domestic jobs done like you. What you need is a little exorcise.  I have hospitalized your husband next week with another fictitious life threatening disease. Can I come around and lift your spirits? Or would you rather drop them instead?

I believe in spirits. My favourites are Malibu and Baileys through a straw. I like to use a straw because I don’t want you to see me get any on my tits. That would be the last straw, that would. Get it? Sharon Afag

Dr F: Not very often.

I’m a cheerful clairvoyant. Others know me as a happy medium. Can I have a laugh and read your tealeaves? Norah Springroll

Dr F: It might be just a storm in a teacup but by all means. I have a Sat Nav now so I don’t need to use you to see what’s just around the corner. It’s streets ahead of psychics like you.

I believe good will always reign over evil. It’s a shame you blew a hole in that theory by getting a PHD, you deviant. I hope you get struck off. You diagnosed me with, as you put it, ‘being thick as too short planks’ and prescribed me a JCB to get me off my fat arse. I proved you wrong. I now have a job as a professional jaywalker to save you trying to run me down. Saff Target

Dr F: Congratulations! It’s a shame you don’t work nights. Remember, if you do a job too well you may get stuck with it. You are on the right road anyway and remember the old adage ‘he who hesitates is street pizza.”

I have expelled a few demons in your surgery lavvie. It must have been the 17 pints of snakebite and curry last night. There is no paper, so I decided to jump off the seat into the air and do a starshape while simultaneously evacuating. What a rewarding and cleansing moment! Hugh Shatt

Dr F: Please leave our facilities as you hope to find them. With friends like you, who needs enemas.

I have a crystal ball and it cost me a fortune. Pam Reeder

Dr F: Getting a crystal ball is something I need to look into, but when that happens there is no telling.

I have just made contact with the dead. A poor confused soul that, as soon as I try to summon her, seems to disappear and then re-appear moaning and groaning. Walking around with much lamentation and wringing of hands. She wails with desperate frustration and has a tortured expression. She seems to look right through me and avoids my gaze. She is a tormented, demented hag, unable to see the light and cursing the air. Should I try another flight information desk? Dee Parcher

Dr F: Why do you think disabled people changed from being orange card holders to blue? Because they balked at being associated with Easyjet cabin crew who were often mistaken as having special needs. If you want to be sure about this ask any steward this “Has this pilot experienced the same amount of take offs as landings up until today.” If there is more than one second delay on answering or the question has to be repeated, sit down put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.

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