This week - Simple Tips
Dr Farquar has some more invaluable tips for health, wealth, stealth, wreath, teeth and cloth.
- Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
- Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new packet up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
- If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
- Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
- Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
- Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
- Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
- Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
- Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
- Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
- Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
- Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
- Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
- Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
- International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
- King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants.
- NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
- FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
- People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: