week: Weather Warnings
Why don’t we learn from New Orleans? When we find our laundry drying faster than usual in adverse weather just get a trombone and fill it full of Doritoes. Inga Ramus
DR F: You never fail to waste my time when I have much less to do. Hurricane St.Jude has killed people this time and fish and chip shops have been well and truly battered all over the UK. I suggest you take getting a wind more seriously. I’m prescribing homemade lentil and 5 bean soup 5 times a day.
Get arrt of it! It weren’t that bad. I only broke a nail and lost a ‘air extension and that woz cos I was fackin’ lashed. Shell and me went arrrt larst Sunday night ‘an fackall ‘appened, but after 58 Jagerbombs, one gust arrrtside the club, blew me knickers clear off, an’ ended up on a bouncers ‘ead. Then I let ‘im shag both of us with his mate. Tracey Outline
Dr F: I’m glad you saw me about those those grazes on your knees and cigarette burns on your back. Just pop your clothes off behind the screen and wear this brown paper bag on your head. I’ll be with you in a minute.
Hurricane St Jude was frightful. I’m gay and hate storms, especially in a teacup. Tristan and I were dreading our windchimes might keep us awake. So we decided to sleep in a tent outside, under the big oak tree, near the pylon by the fireworks factory, next door to the gasworks, on top of the petrol refinery, inside the chemical reactor. After all, whats the worst that can happen? Guy Ropes
Dr F: Well, remember we’re British and we don’t let a little breeze bring trees down on top of us until they do, do we? Try cod liver oil, a spiffing read of Private Eye and Germolene works wonders.
Here is a newsflash.
This is a ‘Live’ Appeal from a local news bulletin.
“Essex was worst hit. Hurricane ‘Innit’ followed after St Jude. Parts of Essex as far as South Ockendon experienced an earthquake tremor measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale, in the early hours of this morning, with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas containing burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon and if the GUM clinic would be shut for more than a day.
One resident - Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyson-Will-I-Am and Porsche-Presley slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was sitting up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning. It was all over by the X-factor that evening"
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners or Elizabeth Duke and Bone China from the Pound shop.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Tins of baked beans
Other useful items to send are:
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys 10 Superkings and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
A stolen phone with dodgy simcard to text a mate about a trip to TkMaXX
Morning after pill
Priadel (crab lotion)
Teeth whitening kit
Mp3 with uploads of Dubstep & ‘Eat Sleep Rave Repeat’ & Justin Bieber.
Union Jack Bra.
(We regret ‘Superdry’ underwear is no longer available….because it’s a contradiction in terms)
An Adele CD was all that remained of a valuable collection owned by 7 times married 38 year old nailcare assistant “Tammy” named after her mothers favourite country singer, voiced her concerns. .
“I’m glad me Muverr dint t call me ‘Gale’ which was ‘er first choice. It’s bleetin’ lucky wotwivwots kicked off’’ere, eh? Three times the binlid blew off last night. My Steve said, ‘Oi , gel, fix the bin, will yer’? Arrm only tryin’ to get sum kip ‘ere, for facks sake. Abbinup all night wotchin fackin’ Babestation, annam fackin’ knackered wiv spankin’ the mankey heh.hehe.hehe.(burp/fart)!”
I said “Fackoff! You fackin’fix it, you lazy wanker!’…Wot yer doin’ wotchin’ dem gels droy humpin furniture, fur? If you want to watch tarts doin’ that get a bleedin’ job in DFS! Stop wanking an’ get working, yer fat facking waste of space,’ Well, yer do, duntcha, specially when yoov bin at the salon wivva fackin’ muvver of a farver ovva fackin’ ‘angover, all day! Yool larf, I threw up in the fish pedicure tank, twice, I was so bladdered, larst nite?”
Rescue workers found a girl called ‘Trish’ in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and noticed she had sustained several large lacerations from a recent bottle fight all over her body...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"