The Heavenly Times

March 2006

God: 'Blame Blair'

by Judas Priestly
political correspondent

God has vehemently denied ever giving any advice to the prime minister, Tony Blair. 'It's nothing to do with me,' boomed the Almighty One, yesterday. 'All this invading of countries malarkey - that's not in my remit, matey. You can tell them Americans I'll give them a burning Bush and all, if they're not careful. While we're at it, can we blame all those natural disaters on those buggers an' all. Gets me off the hook,like. I'm sick of taking the rap for everything, I tell you.'
When questioned about anything at all, the man upstairs continued to bang on and on about how everything was dead unfair and that. Sources close to Tony Blair said that it was all being blown out of proportion and that people should, 'chill their beans.' The prime minister was unavailable for comment until the next chat show.

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New Bridge for Purgatory

by Ford Transit
transport correspondent

Plans for a second bridge spanning the vast abyss between purgatory and heaven are being drawn up after several incidents of bits falling off the original structure. A spokesperson for Heaven Council, St Christopher Baldpatch, said yesterday, 'This will significantly ease the increasing congestion suffered by the bridge in recent years. There are simply too many people snuffing it these days.' It is understood, the contract to build the new bridge has been awarded to Enric Miralles.