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March 2008 Archive

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FRENCH TART FLOORS GOLDIE (published 28 March, 2008)

The United Kingdom media has been stopped in its tracks by the discovery of a French woman said to be 'easy on the eye.' Annabel Goldie, glamour pus of the Scottish Tories, is said to be well miffed at being usurped as the hottest tottie in politics. 'She's got ears like CDs,' bitched the blue rinse lovely yesterday.





ALIEN ALEX (published 28 March, 2008)

Alex Salmond has been recruited as a new baddy for the next series of Dr Who. He will star as the leader of a deadly new alien race called The Black Eyed SN Peas.




BUDGET BLUES (published 14 March, 2008)

As the expected tax on ridiculous eyebrows fails to materialise, people in their droves continue to complain about the lack of free beer and fags and the lengthening of sticks on toffee apples. A man from somewhere said yesterday, 'I was very let down by the Budget. I was expecting a one million quid handout.' (© Mark E Smith, Jerusalem)






SCOTS PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO IRN BRU (published 14 March, 2008)

The attempt by the Londinium Authorities to force schoolkids to pledge allegiance to The Queen/Britain/Wurthers Originals, has led to open rebellion within the edgy kasian system. In future, all Scottish children will be compelled to pledge allegiance to Irn Bru whilst clutching a copy of The Sunday Post to their hearts.





FIFE FATTIES FIRST (published 7 March, 2008)

Schoolchildren in Fife have jumped straight in at No.1 in the Scottish obesity charts. A delighted pokeperson for Locals Are Really Delighted (LARD) beamed yesterday, 'Let joy be unconfined and the chip shops unfettered!' Fife Council later confirmed they have granted Greggs a 24 hour opening licence.






SLEEP, DON'T MOVE (published 7 March, 2008)

Following the proposal that lamposts will be padded in order to protect careless clods who text as they walk, the government has announced that random mattresses will now be spread randomly around streets for people who just can't be arsed moving any more.






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