Daily Reckless September 2006 Archive

PRESCOTT'S PLUNGE (published 29 September 2006)

Deputy prime beef minister, John 'Knuckles' Prescott, has decided to chuck in politics in order to spend more time with his family. Knuckles, pictured here scuba diving with his twin brother, Ray, said yesterday, 'Fuck the fuck right off!'

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BROWN'S REVENGE (published 29 September 2006)

After the alleged name calling by Cherie Blair, Gordon Brown has exacted his revenge by lobbing a javeline at her. The new 'get tough on the enemy' approach was welcomed yesterday by John Prescott who is reportedly itching to chuck any manner of sharp objects at anyone who looks at him the wrong way.

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STOP THE PIGEON! (published 29 September 2006)

Meanwhile, back in oor parly, the real business of government powered ahead as Foosty Mincester, Help McKilt, announced he was hiring Dick Dastardly to rid his Holyrood Hame of the flying vermin determined to sully his reputation and nice hair. A spokesperson for Dastardly's crack troop of exterminators, Klunk, said yesterday, 'Whrrriiiipweeeeee, kik kik preeeeee, zik.'

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SIGN OF THE TWATS (published 22 September 2006)

Following the revelation that Antonio Bliar has a 'W' imprinted on his wrinkly old forehead, it has emerged that El Presidente Bushell has developed a similar stigmata on his simian skull. A spokesperson for the Institute of Phrenologists said yesterday, 'We're loving it.'

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FREE CD! FREE CD! FREE CD! (published 22 September 2006)

Yes, yes, calm down. This month's Daily Reckless free CD is finally here. It's Tommy Mackay doing his unique covers of the best of Robyn Hitchcock. It's an absolute belter and all yours for nada. Get it here: Vibrating

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FISH FACIAL (published 15 September 2006)

Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmon have expressed outrage at recent reports that a Scottish fish has undergone plastic surgery to get lips like Leslie Ash. Ms Sturgeon fumed, 'No wonder the NHS is in a bad way, when marine based creatures are able to push old age pensioners out of the way in the waiting list with one arrogant sweep of their fin.' The minister for fish, Gillian Gillhooley, said yesterday, 'Glug.'

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EAGLE - AYE, AYE (published 15 September 2006)

Looking up in bemusement, Samuel Beckett, an eagle, is believed to have applied for a follicular transplant in order to offset his impending receding hairline. Colin Cuckoo, minister for the birds, said yesterday, 'Squawk!

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BLAIR PREMIERSHIP A HOAX (published 8 September 2006)

Following allegations that he has been prime minister of Britainshire for the past nine years, Tony Blair has revealed that it was all a hoax. He wasn't stranded in the sea of politics at all. He actually caught the ferry to Loonyville back in 1997. Re-launching his career as a sit-down comedian yesterday, Tony quipped, 'Gotcha!'
Hear, here: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

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TACKY KHAKI TRIBUTE (published 8 September 2006)

Australia's Khaki Friday tribute to that bloke wot wrestled armadillos or summat, has been hailed as a major contribution to the grieving process. It is hoped that future celebrity deaths will be honoured in a similar fashion. We here at the Reckless are looking forward to the sad demise of Bjork so we can drape a dead swan round our shapely shoulders.

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JACKIE IN A CLUDGIE (published 1 September 2006)

Jackie Burd, was caught in a compromising postion this week as she left her microphone on during a toilet break on Reporting Scotchland. The raunchy redhead, 64, was overheard complaining about her co-presenter, 'that fanny, David Robertson' whilst the news programme ran a clip of the Foosty Minister, Jack McCrackle, delivering a speech outlining the Executive's forthcoming ban on farting in public places.

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TATTOO CUTBACKS (published 1 September 2006)

The Edinburgh Military tattoo is facing considerable cutbacks in 2007 after overspending their budget this year by 10 Mczillion buckaroonies. It is understood a lone penguin will waddle up and doon the High Street whilst a unicycling bagpiper juggles a sparkler.