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666 Great Junction Street

Part 13

Guy Pistov's captive audience in Wilkie's sat enthralled as the man reeled out one tale after another.

'Then, of course, that time there was when the MTV came to Leith. We all Hibs players had the tickets for free. A few of us went along to mangle backstage and mix up the stars. I am not really knowing about too much pop, but there were some glamorous ladies floating around being noticed very heavily.'

Eddie asked if he'd met Kylie.

'She the small one? Wide mouth, silly eyes and talk all squeaky?'

'That's her.'

'Yes. She didn't seem interested in the sex though.'

Jock gaped and leaned closer. 'You didnae ask Kylie Monogue fur a shag did ye?'

'Of course,' said Guy. 'It's what I do with ladies.'

Behind the bar, Fat Boab nodded. 'It's true,' he said. 'I've witnessed Guy's technique many a time. You get that many boys in here acting all charm and patter round the women, it fair makes ye boke. But then Guy goes up to them and says, "You like sex?" and that's it. His line, I mean. His only line. Sometimes it even works.'

Eddie and Jock roared while Guy looked a little puzzled. 'It's not so funny,' he said. 'I can't use all your words too properly, so I don't always use too many in case I get lost in them. You see?'

Eddie, Jock and Fat Boab nodded.

'So, who else did ye manage to impress at the MTV then?' asked Jock.

'Well, you won't be in belief when I tell you that Beyoncé agreed to marry me. But she did. True.'

'You mean,' said Eddie, pausing deliberately to add, 'Beyoncé was your fiancée?'

'Yes, yes,' said Guy. 'We fall straight away in love and I feel a bit, er, how you say, taken over?'

'Overawed?' suggested Eddie.

'Yes. That's it. I was overhard and forgot my "You like sex?" line and strangely asked her to marry me. She say yes.'

'So, when's the big day?' asked Fat Boab.

'Well, this is it. Or, it isn't it. She isn't returning my calls. I think I must forget her. It is for the best.'

The others laughed while Guy again looked puzzled.

'Aye, you've more stories than the Empire State Building,' said Eddie.

'You think I make all this up, don't you?' said Guy looking slightly annoyed. 'Right. I tell you what. I call her up now and you can listen to her answer machine.'

Guy fished out his mobile phone, tapped furiously on the keypad, then held out the phone for the others to listen. They all crouched over. And waited.

'There's nothing happening,' said Jock.

'Wait,' said Guy.

Suddenly, a few clicks and whirrs were heard and a voice broke in: 'Hi, you have reached Hotdogging, where the action is fast, furious and fun. Leave your number and we'll get back to you with details of tonight's hot happenings.'

Guy recited some numbers and returned the phone triumphantly to his pocket.

'Hey, that wisnae Beyoncé,' said Jock.

'Ha ha ha ha. I know,' said Guy. 'Now, you say you want to get in on the dogging thing yes? Well, come on, let's go!'

Next Week: Hibee or not Hibee



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